


Sentimental Animals

by J_LeParallelepipede



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bisexual Simon, M/M, Misunderstandings, POV Simon, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Pining, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-03-08 05:54:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 34,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13451916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_LeParallelepipede/pseuds/J_LeParallelepipede
Summary: Watford University has an old tradition, every first years are paired by what is called the Tuitum. It means that those two students must work as a team for all three years of undergrad. Of course Baz was paired with Simon Snow, the protégé of his mother murderer. It doesn't mean that Baz is able to control his feelings for Simon or that Simon understand what is going on. Everything  changes when Simon got assigned the cold case of Natasha Grimm-Pitch as its 3rd year dissertation.





	1. Chapter 1. Hi-Five - Angel Olsen

**Author's Note:**

> Not a native speaker ! First fanfic! I love Snowbaz with all my heart <3
> 
> The title is from the song Trustful Hands by The Dø. 
> 
> You can listen to it here:  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/0rkRCXbSPw6P0qUOJNbSCp?si=MuV6j3lPQkOnbCfJGNTRgQ
> 
> Or here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNgJPIwg5Mc

BAZ

There are exactly 6 types of looks that Simon Snow gives me and I hate all of them. The plain anger is the most usual but there is a whole spectrum: hurt, disbelieving, fight, fuck you. And then there is the one I hate the most above all, the “please stop being mean” stare. Thanks Margaret Murray I only get that one twice a year when I have to check on Simon before exams.

Because of course I’m Simon Snow Tuitum. Tuitum pairing is an old tradition of Watford University in the name of equity. And it’s an amazing idea on paper, every first years are paired with a classmate, one of them has been accepted through what I call the “normal application process” (meaning you’re here because you are rich and clever) and the other one is at Watford thanks to a scholarship (usually meaning you are poor and clever). For the three years of undergrad they must work as a team, both of them must pass their exam otherwise both of them are expelled. It is supposed to help you work as a team and discover people outside your “circle” (really, social class). And I’m all for it! Except I have been assigned someone I could never work with, someone I have sworn to be my nemesis, someone I am desperately in love with. Simon Snow.

We are in our Drugs and Society class and Simon Snow is giving me look number 5. Simon has way more types of look that I shouldn’t know and have counted because they will never be directed at me. Except I did.

SIMON

I am almost late for Drugs & Soc. I run and make it in time, and I’m happy. It’s the first class of the week and I am determined to start being better at school (third and last year… nope not thinking about it being too late). I think that’s the hope I held for this week being a new beginning that makes Baz comment even more unnerving than usual.

“ _Fuck sake Snow are you capable of coming to class without putting on a show? Go panting elsewhere please I might vomit_.”

He is sitting front row with his two friends, Niall and Dev, who laugh so hard it almost shows it’s to please him more than because it’s funny. Of course they really hate me too but it’s 9am a Monday morning so.

I say nothing because I don’t want my new beginning to start with a fight. I just walk, slowly though, to piss him off, and go sit with Agatha and Penny. They’re engrossed in a conversation about Mindhunter. We watch the show in a day, Penn thinks binge watch is the best way of watching a show and Agatha argues that we should have waited because now we have to wait a year for new episodes. I try to listen but I’m actually too focus on the pain in my chest. Really I shouldn’t feel that way every time Baz insults me because it’s literally always.

The thing is (and I think that’s why I can’t get over it) I never really understood why Baz hates me so much. At fist I thought it was because he hated the non “normal application process” except he is really civil with all the other. And I think I heard him lecturing Niall about some jokes he made about us.

I grew in up in Homes for orphans like me and then I was placed in a farm with Ebb. It was better, I went to high school in the countryside and I think I was happy. But I felt still lonely and like something was missing. When I got the special scholarship from Davy Mage I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t (still not am) the brightest but he chose me. Watford was a promise that I would find what was missing (no clue what that is). The first day of Uni they gave me the name of my Tuitum, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch. That fucking name. It’s so long and amazing that I kept repeating it in my head like a spell (I might still do it, but never purposely). Pitch was the name on a lot of buildings at Watford but I was so excited that I didn’t even take the time to stress about it. I met Baz at our first class of Criminal law, there he was, the person I was hopping to be a close friend for the three years to come. He was all legs, wearing a damn suit black hair combed back; he was checking his phone with a bored face. When I introduced myself the bored face became a disgusted face and he said,

 _“Let this be clear, I have an appointment this afternoon with administration, we will not be Tuitum. That is not happening_.” And I stuttered to ask why he simply replied “I _fucking hate you Snow_ ”.

There are exactly 6 types of looks that Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch gives me and I hate all of them. The plain hate is the most usual but there is a whole spectrum: contempt, mocking, sarcastic, fuck you. And then there is the one I hate the most above all, the “how can you be that thick” stare.


	2. Chapter 2. Cantaloupe island - Herbie Hanckock

SIMON

I am at one of my favourite coffee shop in town, in a big leather chair and we’re now enough in autumn that it’s appropriate for me to wear my favourite jumper. It’s Tuesday, day two of my new week new me and I feel better than yesterday. Probably because I don’t have class today so I can take my time doing my reading for my Human Rights class. It’s supposedly interesting but it’s fucking complicated. I decided to study Criminology because Davy Mage told me it was the best for me. But looking at the 500 hundred pages book in front of me I think he might got that wrong. I really like when we have practice study, but when it comes to reading and writing I’m completely shite and it’s frustrating. I only just passed every year and it was thanks to Penny and Agatha help. Not fucking Baz who only makes me scared and desperate. But 3rd year is crucial, and my two best friends have their own business to worry.

Penny, Agatha and Baz are all from families with a lot of money and everyone they know are going to Watford. For generations. I think Agatha hates it and talks only of doing a post-grad in the USA. I was sad during first year thinking about it because I had a crush on Agatha. I mean, she is perfect, long blond hair, pink lips and cheeks, she talks always kindly and calmly. But when she told me no because we shouldn’t be good together I understood what she said and was suddenly agreeing. On the other hand, Penny feels and looks like she is exactly where she is suppose to be. She is so confident that no one ever gives her shit for being the daughter of two of our teachers. And Baz well… He is the only son of the former directress of Watford, she died when he was really young but he still acts like he owns the place. I guess Watford is really his home because he was born here. 

I’m almost giving up at 12 when Baz enter the coffee shop. And of fucking course he is with his girlfriend.


	3. Chapter 3. Whoever U Are - Night Lovell

BAZ

Every Tuesday I have lunch my dearest friend, Leopoldine. I know Leo since birth; her mother was the head of the Math department at Watford and one of my mother closest friends. They moved back to France after her murder because it was too hard to stay at Watford. Yes it is fucking hard to be here but I still don’t understand it. I would die rather than be somewhere else, I would feel I’m betraying her. Well. Anyways. My father sent me every summer to France to be with them and Leo came with me to England for high school and now Uni. She is studying literature so we don’t have classes together but we make time to see each other everyday. And Tuesday it’s for lunch at my favourite coffee shop. It’s woody, always dark and calm. They also make incredible grilled cheese and chai late.

It’s autumn now, my favourite season. I guess all melancholic and sad people like me love autumn. It’s the season happy people hate because it’s “going back to school” and “rainy” and “the end of summer days”. Well yes, but I don’t see any problems with all of those things. Its’ getting colder every day but Leo is wearing her usual skirt/dress with fishnets and doc Martens. She is flirting with Khalil our usual barista but she’s putting her hand on my arm so I don’t feel like I’m third wheeling I guess. I don’t. I don’t care about anyone except Simon for so long now that I don’t know what it is like not to be in love with him. Not wanting him.

I remember reading that fucking name on the Tuitum assignment, Simon Snow. The anger in me. But really the feeling of fate, I felt the Hamlet in me. Revenge! Killing ! But like Hamlet I was also wondering if I had it in me, to act upon my rage. Seeing Simon Snow’s name was fate telling me that was my chance to avenge my mother by getting at her murderer. Not that Simon Snow killed my mother, he would have been 5 at the time. But Simon Snow just had been chosen by Davy Mage as a protégé and Mage had killed my mother.

My mother, the president of Watford University was found dead one morning in her office. Davy Mage was head of police and after her position at the Uni for many years now. They were rivals since they were both student at Watford. The investigation concluded after only 2 days that it was an accident. They said she was drunk and fell down the stairs. They can go fuck themselves. I know, like everyone in my family that it wasn’t an accident and Mage as something to do with that. But police is now too corrupted to re open the case no matter what my family says.

I saw Simon before he saw me. I Googled him and saw his picture with Mage for the new scholarship he created for him. And fuck me when I saw the face of this boy. He had a small smile. Impossible bleu eyes, golden curls on his forehead. He seemed so fragile and hopeful. I hated him. Really I just felt frustration because now that I saw his stupid face I was sure I wasn’t going to avenge my mother by killing him or whatever my father wanted me to do. I hated myself for even having considered killing someone; I hated myself for being weak and not wanting to kill him. I talked to Leo about it and it was one of the most relieving experiences in my life. Saying out loud “I _think my family wants me to kill that guy but I kind of don’t wanna_ ”. She told me that that was family bullshit, talked about Christian bigotry and choosing my own life and so many other things. Still I couldn’t be the Tuitum of Snow, I was still going to hate him. But fate was still on me, first the administration refused to change the Tuitum (fuck them) and then my father refused to ask them again because I should spy on Snow to understand why Mage chose him (fuck him).

We get our food and drinks and I turn to find a table and there he is, Simon, frowning hard at the HR book. He is biting his bright yellow highlighter. He is wearing that fucking deep blue jumper that makes my heart bend and break. He even has a jean shirt underneath today and he is absolutely beautiful, I stare, I shouldn’t but I can’t take my eyes off him. And now he’s biting his lips. That little fuck.

“ _Isn’t that lover boy? Il est surprenament beau aujourd’hu_ i (He looks surprisingly good today)”

It’s Leo, she must be talking to me because I can feel her wondering eyes on me. I swallow hard and give a poor impression of confusion “ _who is_?”. I am freaking out, I never told her I was in love with Simon because I’m sure she would convince me to tell him about it. She would even find good arguments on why he has nothing to do with de Grimm-Mage hate or whatever. She is good. And right now I am afraid she might be so good that she somehow know my secret.

“ _Tu saiiiiiis, Snow. On m’a dit qu’il sortait avec Liv Jonas_ (You knoooooow, Snow. I heard he was dating Liv Jonas.  
- _Qui_? (Who?) I think I might have a panic attack but I’m relieved she does not know how I feel. She must never know.  
She chuckle – l _ike you don’t know who that is. It’s the most beautiful girl at Watford. Tout le monde est amoureux d’elle_ (Everyone is in love with her). _I’m sure even you want to date her._  
_-Believe me, I don’t_.”


	4. Chapter 4- Hiding tonigh Alex Turner

SIMON

I try to concentrate on my book all the time Baz and his girlfriend are here. She is French and they always talk in a mixture of French and English. I hate it, I don’t understand a word of French and it makes me feel like they’re always plotting what next to do to torment me. Well mainly Baz is plotting, his girlfriend (Leo I think) never did or said anything to me so.

I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of me giving up on work and it actually works, I get more done now that I want to impress him. No I don’t want to impress him, fuck him. I just want to be left alone. I still manage to glance at them to be sure they’re not talking about me but Baz never looks at me. Leo is doing most of the talking showing him some book and touching his knee all the time. I’m thinking it must be nice to have someone like that. Being in love and confortable and touching knees while having lunch. But not Baz obviously.

There are not many people I am confortable with, mainly Ebb, Penny and Agatha. I feel always awkward and even clumsier when I am with people I don’t know. I think that might be why I’m not very good at “the dating game”. It should be easier for me really, I’m fucking bisexual, but it’s really not. Penn gave me a Tshirt with “I’m bisexual I have anxiety around boys and girls” but I only wear it to sleep. I don’t want to add the fear of people talking to me about it to my already anxious mind. So yeah I’m jealous that I can only have hook-ups or awkward dates and Baz has a healthy relationship for at least 2 years with a clever and nice girl even though he’s a pretentious bastard.

I am meeting Penny at the library this afternoon, we have a project together for Sociology and we have to decide what crime we are going to talk about (not as morbid as it seems, or I’m just use to it). She’s already sitting in the middle of hundreds of books at her favourite table. She smiles at me when I arrive and I feel suddenly much better. I don’t need Baz touching my knee I have penny smiles. I mean, I don’t need someone like Baz has.

“ _I was at the Pot Still this morning and I saw Baz_. I actually do not know why I tell her that

- _Cool, did you manage to focus there? It might be quieter than home._

_-He was with his girlfriend but I think she was flirting with the barista._

_-Great. What do you think of rape?_

_-What?_

_-I think we can do something great about rape culture. We could have a panel of people about rape culture in movies._ "

It takes me a couple of minutes to know what she is talking about. The project, sociology. " _Yeah yeah perfect_.” We spend the rest of the day talking about rape and it feels like everything hurts so I skip the LGBT+ meeting. On my way home I see Baz at football practice. He is in the Uni team and he is amazing. I saw him running flawlessly. I am sure that he does that everyday, studying for several hours, and still manage to play the violin and be a football god. I stop and watch the team for a couple a minutes but that too seems to hurt so I go home.


	5. Chapter 5. The Youth of Today - Amy Macdonald

 

SIMON

Every time I meet with Davy Mage I feel like shit. Mostly because it feels like he wants me to do or say something but I never know what and we’re just stuck. Today meeting was about the 3rd year dissertation. We will shortly be assigned a cold case that we have to study and if possible resolve (but it never really happens). He told me he choose mine very specifically and that I will need to focus and do better than for my exams. I want to talk about how Baz is no help but I don’t. He never really listens to me anyways.

 

BAZ

I am really exited about the dissertation; it will be an amazing way to prove myself to my family and to beat Bunce at it. I’m sure she knows the subject of hers since the beginning of the year because her parents are our teachers so I ask one of my teachers to give me clues. He does because he loved my mother and I know it will be about a man disappearance in the countryside.

I’m having lunch with Dev and Niall in the food hall when I spot Simon. He’s having a huge burger and chips, eating every fucking chip really slowly and with his hand. I want to be disgust but really I just want to be a chip. How thick that boy is making me? A chip...

He is wearing a white shirt and a tie; he must have a meeting with Mage. That look is going to hunt me until the day I die. Fucking Davy sometime I think he chose Simon because of how beautiful he is. He is laughing hard at something Bunce just said, touching his chest where his heart is. How I wish I could be the cause of something so beautiful as Simon laugh. Thanks Minerva I always keep my hateful stare when I look at him because he just saw me and is looking directly in my eyes. For a couple of seconds, before he realises it’s me, he still has a smile from laughing and I feel my stomach lurch. It’s only 2 seconds though, and here it is, look number 4, fight. I refuse to look down. A girl talking to them interrupts our staring contest.

It’s Liv Jonas, yes I know who that is. She has an amazingly kind smile and white blond hair cut just above her shoulders. She’s wearing a glittering gold shirt that reflects light in Simon hair and I can see how they are the perfect couple that everyone is talking about. Except Simon looks kind of uncomfortable, he has that small smile that reminds me of the shy first year and he mainly look at Bunce. And I am suddenly hopeful and hate myself for it. I have spent too many hours wondering what would be worse: if Snow had a girlfriend or if he was not in love but fucking the whole school. And now I know, it will be worse to see him in love, and publicly kissing and looking lovingly to Liv Jonas. At least if he is fucking everyone at Uni (which I’m sure he is, who wouldn’t want Simon Snow?) I don’t know about it and I don’t see it.

 

SIMON

Liv Jonas is brilliant, she studies law and she has offered to tutor me in Human Rights because she wants to actually be a Human Rights teacher one day. We live in the same building and she talked to me one day when I was coming back with my HR book under the arm (it’s so big it doesn’t even fit in my bag). At lunch today Penny told me that a lot of people were saying we were dating because of all the time we spend together in my room. We laugh of how people go from that, two people in a room, to a lot of stories involving me fighting with her ex boyfriend and one weekend in Italy. I saw Baz giving me look number 2, contempt. I guess he just hate that I exist. But Liv comes to say hello and laugh some more about the rumours. I don’t know if it’s seeing them one just after the other but I think about Baz knee touching and Liv knee and I just don’t see it. How could people see us together? I don’t know.

***

It’s sunny at the end of the afternoon and as much as I love autumn I go out to enjoy it before it rains again. I’m eating my favourite things in the world, a cherry scone. I’m sitting on a bench at the botanical garden and I am just sniffing all those amazing plant. When I hear a sneering laugh. I look and see Baz two feet from me.

“- _What the fuck are you doing Snow? Sniffing are we? You do know it’s not actually like that that you get high?_

I sigh, is it fate that always draw him to me when I’m happy? _I-I didn’t know you were an expert on recreational drugs Baz? Or anything fun really_.

- _Well at least I am able to buy them with my own money_

_-How is your family your own money?_

_-Well I have a family for starter_ ”

I do all I can to look at the flowers before me, looks like lemon queens, bright yellow.

“- _Oh Snow I am sorry, is that a raw nerve? I thought you were some happy Mage boy…_

- _I-I’m not a Mage boy_! I yell, why is he so mean for fuck sake

- _Oh really? Isn’t for him that you wear that tie today? He told you all about your dissertation so you will actually graduate? No matter how stupid you are. He corrupted the police and now he’s corrupting Watford!_ ”

I really don’t know what he is talking about. But I want him to feel as I feel so I say something I was keeping for myself

- _You-you know about corruption Baz. I saw you with Dev and Nial that night! I am the one who called the police, you got all arrested and nothing happened_!

 

BAZ

Well. Fuck.


	6. Chapter 6. Dance Yrself Clean – LCD Soundsystem

BAZ

 

I actually didn’t beat than man but did nothing. Just watched them and did nothing to stop them because I was too scared and I feel guilty like I had given the punch. It wasn’t because of corruption that nothing happened to us but because Dev has a kick ass lawyer as a mother and she argued self-defence. Which was kind of the truth. The guy Dev and Niall were fighting with was a homophobic shit but I wish they would just have left it and not broke his nose. But of course Simon doesn’t know and will never know that.

 

“ _Look Snow you really don’t know what you’re talking about. I could explain but I know what it’s like in you funny little brain…”_

 

I don’t finish my sentence because he’s leaving. That little fuck is leaving me in the middle of argument, it never happened before. Did he learn something after all? Except I’m weak and I never want him to leave. And I don’t know why but my body acts on its own will and follow him. He notices me and stops at the top of the stairs. He turns suddenly and I jump a little, he grabs me by the collar. My heart is beating so hard that he might have talked but I can’t here him. I feel his knuckles on my throats and it’s burning. I am going to kiss him. I can feel myself giving up and my head moving slightly towards him so I push him. In all this of course I forgot about the stairs so I’m really surprised when he scream while falling down. I want to grab his arms but it’s too late and it just looks like I pushed harder that I did, with my arms thrown in the air. I’m about to run to him when I realised he’s not hurt, he’s growling with hatred not broken bones so I just run away. I go home, lock my door and cry on my bed until I eventually fall asleep.

 

PENNY

 

I am living the perfect life. I’m sitting in our amazingly comfy chair with a cup of tea and a book. I must have been there for hours because when Simon comes home it’s almost nightfall. He looks horrible and I automatically jump to hug him. Whatever happens he looks like he needs it. I ask him to explain while I make more tea and as soon as I hear the name “Baz” I know it’s going to be a long evening. Simon is obsessed with his Tuitum Baz Grimm-Pitch. Not obsessed like he writes his name in notebooks or has pictures of him in a hidden room (well I hope not, I never checked). He just has a non-rational way to behave regarding Baz. Simon is socially awkward but in a nice and cute way that people like. But when they do not like him he doesn’t care, he said to me so many times “ _if people don’t like me I probably wont like them either_ ”. Which is why I don’t understand how what Baz thinks can affect him this much. Of course they have to talk to each other before exams, and Simon would have been so much better with another Tuitum but it’s not like they have to love each other. I didn’t really like my Tuitum during all first year but neither her nor I cared that much. Now Trixie and I get along well and I hope it would have changed for Baz and Simon too. But it seems like their doomed to hate each other.

 

Simon is talking about police corruption so I try to pay attention but it’s the same story of that night when Simon thinks he saw Baz beating up a guy.

 

“ _Can you believe that he said I was too stupid to understand the explanation? What a dick! It’s because there’s no explanation!! And then that bastard push me down the stairs!_

 _-What stairs?_ I ask

_-Why does it matter? The Botanic Garden stairs, by the entrance_

_-He just push you? Out of nowhere?_

_-No… I grab his collar but I wasn’t going to be violent !_

_-Oh Simon… I know that but you can see how he must have felt…_

_-I really don’t care how he feels_

_\- Well maybe but you can’t blame him for being afraid..._

_-HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS_

_-Yeah no sorry I agree that’s bad. Sorry babe. Really. But I don’t understand why you loose you temper with him like that._

_\- Because he’s a fucking dick.”_

 

His answer is final and I try to distract him, he’s still mumbling but I get him with a mini Doctor Who marathon.

 

SIMON

 

I wake up the day after my fight with Baz with a swollen ankle. It’s really not that bad but I decide to skip school for a couple of days hoping Baz is feeling awful.


	7. Chapter 7. Take me out-Franz Ferdinand

BAZ

 

It’s the beginning of January and all Watford is celebrating the end of exams. This year Simon refused to see me to talk about the exams and I didn’t feel strong enough to insist too much. I felt relieved and also hated it. Those hours at every end of semester are always violent delights. I feel lonelier than ever and the realisation that the last semester ever is about to begin is making me sadder. I spend my day reading or playing the violin thinking about how is going to be my life without Simon Snow. My father asked me again what I was going to do to him to “end him”. I don’t know what the fuck that means. What I know is that I cannot live a life without Simon. It’s weak and I feel like some moron in a romantic novel. But I still feel it, deep down that I cannot live if does not or if I can’t see him. The last 3 years have been barely living, I always feel like a corpse just wondering through the days, living for the moment I see those bronze curls and those moles.

 

Leo must feels that I’m worse than ever because she’s extra careful with me for weeks. But one night she just knock at my door at 10pm with a look on her face saying I will not be able to fight whatever she’s going to say next.

 

“ _Basilton we are going out. There is a huge party in Murray Hall and we are going 'cause tonight you are going to get screwed._

_-I-I-I’m sorry?_

_-Tu m’a comprise ce soir tu passes a la casserole (you heard me perfectly tonight you’re getting fucked)_

_-I am most certainly not._

_-Come on Baz ! it’s been almost 3 years. I know it has! What was the last time? High school dance with Iain?_

_-No. I have men coming to see me almost every night_.

She snorts and we start laughing together.

- _Baz…_ she’s all soft now and I hope she’ll leave it, _I just want you to be happy but I think you are afraid to be. I don’t know why, daddy or mummy issues. If you won’t date anyone fine but you need sex at least! Except…_

_-Except?_

_-Except if it’s because you’re in love with someone and you didn’t tell me? You look like someone with a broken heart for so long I don’t even remember how you look usually._

_-I look like that, it's my face and I will always look like that. And no I am not in love._ Sometimes I hope that saying it out loud will make in true.

_-But you are heartbroken? Iain?_

_-No! I don’t care about fucking Iain._

_-Right. But we’re still going_!

- _I’m really not in the mood Leo_ ”

 

She starts looking in my wardrobe for what I should wear tonight and I don’t feel strong enough to fight with her. I will go and hide in a corner with a sneer; no one will dare talk to me. I’m thinking how it would be an excuse to get drunk and put the clothes she gives me.

 

AGATHA

 

I am talking with Liv about Palestine and it’s the most interesting girl I ever met. I thought Simon really liked her but he just sits in the couch looking at the dancing crowd a beer in his hand. I try to get his attention so we can all talk together but he’s just not there tonight. He’s acting strange for several weeks now. I think he’s afraid of his grade and ending school. I hope it’s not because of me leaving, I really hope we’re past that. Liv looks like she doesn’t mind that Simon is ignoring us so I guess it’s good that he doesn’t have a big crush on her either. I wish Penny were here and not skiing with her boyfriend, she always stick to Simon when he’s like that. But I don’t want to waste the little time we have to party without feeling guilty because we shouldn’t. So I go up to refill our drinks and intend to take my time doing it.

 

BAZ

 

We just entered hell. Thank god I gave up all hope long ago. Leo takes my hand so we go through the dancing crowd and highly intoxicated first year. She stops to talk to a boy from her class and I look around me. I spot Simon in 2 seconds like my eyes are trained to look for him. He’s sitting all alone on a couch with an empty beer in his hands. He looks directly in front of him but like he’s seeing nothing. He's wearing a white T-shirt too big and i can see his collar bones. Leo is still chatting and she has let go of my hand. I stay put as I imagine how it would feel to go get two beers, and offer one to Simon. What it would feel if he wasn’t Snow and I wasn’t a Grimm-Pitch and tonight would be the first time we meet. I see myself giving him the beer smiling and he’s smiling back his small shy smile. I would say something about how he looks bored how we could go somewhere else to talk. I see myself guiding him through corridors and when we’re finally alone I could just push him a little to the wall and

 

“ _Baz?? Allo la terre ici la lune_ ! (Earth to Baz!)”

 

I jump and say nothing. I just follow Leo because she’s moving forward and when I look at Simon again I see that he’s now talking to Liv Jonas. What a beautiful night to find new ways to hate myself.

 

We finally reach a huge kitchen with less people than in other rooms. Leo is still talking to her friend and I’m glad, it means she will leave me get drunk in silence. I drink two beers and then proceed to drinking vodka with some sort of lemon juice in it. It hurts my stomach, I like it. I’m drinking lazily now when a tall student starts talking to me. I haven’t noticed his presence near me before he speaks.

 

“ _Heeeeeeyyy Baz right?_

He wears a basketball jersey, he has a huge smile and tender eyes

- _euh yes, do I know you_?

He laughs and it’s so warm I want to close my eyes. It makes me think of Simon laugh, not that he ever laughed with me like that.

- _Not really… but I’m a friend of Leo's and she told me a lot about you… I’m really happy to finally meet you. You’re even hotter than I thought._

_-Wha-what?_

_-Sorry man! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable! I’m used to being frank about those things. I like telling people when I want them, it’s easier. And well, that’s it._

My hands are shaking. Something like that has never happened to me, and I’m almost afraid it’s a joke. I find the courage to look at his face and he looks so nice, so truthful. I’m jealous of how it’s easy for him to be and say what he wants. And I don’t know what is it. If it’s because it’s the last holidays between semester? Because I’m drunk? Because Simon is in the next room flirting with his girlfriend? Anyways I nod and put my hand on his torso and he is warm. He walks in my space and starts kissing me with his hand on my shoulders. I haven’t move at all. One hand on his torso the other along my body. I’m starting to kiss back, just little push, but I feel like I have something in my throat and I really hope I’m not going to cry. Suddenly someone push the guy (oh my god I didn’t even ask his name) away from me and I open my eyes (I didn’t remember closing them). When I look up my heart stops. Its Simon and he’s looking furious.


	8. Chapter 8. The look – Metronomy

SIMON

 

Liv is talking to me about some girl we both know that lives in our building. Apparently she plays drums early in the morning but no one knows how to tell her to stop. I realised that Agatha is not going back and I feel uncomfortable when I don’t have something to drink. Not that I’m a drunk but it gives me something to do, so I don’t look like I feel, aka like I don’t know what to do with myself.

 

I get up to get us beers in the kitchen. It’s getting harder to go through the crowd, I have to touch bodies of people I don’t know and I hate it. Once I get to the kitchen it’s empty except for two guys. I recognise Agwé and his broad shoulders. I move to the fridge when I realise who is the boy in front of him. It’s Baz. Fuck. I never saw Baz at parties before, I’m surprise his highness like that kind of mood. There’s something different about him so I look at him more carefully as I open the fridge (they haven’t notice I’m here). He seems smaller probably because he is kind of leaning on the counter but it’s not it. He’s wearing jeans. _He is wearing jeans_. I always saw him either with a suit or his football clothes. His legs seem to go forever, those jeans look amazing on him (of fucking course). And it goes worse; he’s wearing a Slytherin T-shirt and an open green tartan shirt on top of it. HOW? Since when does Baz own those kinds of clothes? What happened? What is happening to me? He looks so human. I open my mouth to say something when I realise that Baz is touching Agwé’s chest. And now they are kissing.

 

This is where I loose my shit (I don’t know exactly why. I really don’t take the time to process it). I go straight between them and push Agwé from Baz.

 

BAZ

 

I think I never saw Simon that red.

 

“ _Wha-what the fuck? What the actual fuck. Shit. Fuck_.” He says and it gives me the time to recollect myself.

“ _Eloquent as ever Snow_.” My hands are trembling so I put them in my pockets. The hot guy I was just kissing (for fuck sake) looks at Simon with still utter chock on his face.

“ _What’s wrong with you Simon_?” Simon, so they know each other…

“ _You were kissing Baz! Agwé what the fuck_?” Here we go again with the only way Simon knows how to talk, with WTF. At least now I know the name of the guy.

“ _Simon I don’t get you_ …” He is so soft it’s weird, why is he not pissed? “ _You’re the one that said we wouldn’t work together. You can’t reject me and then be jealous, that is not okay. Get your shit together, okay_?”

 

My mind geos completely blank for what feels like an eternity. What the fuck happened? (And now I’m talking like Snow in my own head. Fuck him). Why is that guy, that I just met, apparently a friend of Leo’s, is talking to Simon like they were together? When Snow is straight. I. am. Sure. Of. It.

 

Am I?

 

I don’t have the time to process that when Simon speaks again. He’s not at all soft like Agwé.

 

“ _Aggy, it’s really not about that! I’m trying to protect you. Baz has a girlfriend!”_

 

“ _WHAT?_ ” if I wasn’t still in chock I would laugh.

 

“ _Well you do… that French girl!”_ Now I’m laughing, but it’s a mean laugh, I want to punch him, or kiss him. I never know. I could punch him and then kiss him since he kisses boys now. No I don’t want to think about that. There must be a good explanation not involving gay sex. Fuck now I want to punch Agwé. Really really hard.

 

But I just say “ _Not that it’s of your business Snow but I’m gay. Leopoldine is not my girlfriend. Now if you be so kind to leave us at what we were doing I will appreciate it_.” I don’t want him to go. I never want him to go. And I absolutely don’t want to go back to kissing Agwé. But I don’t want him to know that. What I really want is take Simon by the shoulders and scream “DO YOU LIKE BOYS?”.

 

Simon is looking at me like he did not understand a word I just said. His lips are trembling and I should really stop looking at them. When my eyes go up to his we just look at each other. And it’s weird because usually one of us just looks down, or rolls his eyes or something. We never look at each other. I don’t know what to say so I smirk and he just run (actually run) out of the room.

Oh Agwé is talking to me “ _So sorry about that… I really don’t understand that guy. I mean he’s sweet and an incredible fuck but man he’s so stressed about everything_.” I say nothing as I can feel my body burning with anger and jealousy. How did I not know? Would it have change anything? No probably not. He’s still Mage’s pet. Oh how I hate Agwé’s honesty now. I look at him and try really hard not to imagine him and Simon kissing. I fail. He must see I’m not feeling well (I might vomit on his shoes right now). “ _Well… sorry. I’m sure that wasn’t about you… do you want to go somewhere private?_ ”. He smiles a little and I want to punch his stomach with my knee. I don’t know how but my legs are still working so I just walk out of there. Out the kitchen. Out of the building. Out of town.


	9. Chapter 9. I Wonder – Rodriguez

SIMON

 

I go directly home. I text Agatha that I’m going so she will not look for me. Even if she really wasn’t. fuck what just happened? When I arrive home penny is still up, she probably just Skyped with her American boyfriend. I go directly to the fridge and drink milk until I feel sick and then ask:

 

“ _Did you know Baz was gay?_ ” she rolls her eyes. She hates when I talk about Baz but right now I couldn’t care less.

“ _Simon. I don’t know. I guess_??”

- _What the fuck Penny_ !

_-Calm down love, what’s the problem? I mean I don’t just assume people sexuality. I just kind of assume I actually don’t know why._

- _Bu-but Pen! He has a girlfriend, that annoying French girl. And why didn’t you tell me?!_

- _I’m pretty sure he is not dating that girl. I saw here hook up with a lot of different people. And also why would I talk to you about Baz? And about if he’s gay or not? What good can it do to you_?”

 

I can’t believe her. She knows I always wonder about Baz, I always want to know who he really is. Because I know, if I just know, maybe I’ll understand why he doesn’t’ love me. Like me I mean. And she just kept that info to her self! I say nothing and decide to sulk for now. She puts her hand on my arm when we hear someone knocking. It’s Agatha. Penny goes in the kitchen to make tea. I feel so non-functional and uncomfortable. They are always here for me and I love them so much it hurts. But it also hurts how I hate myself because I’m the one that always needs help and comforting.

 

“ _Simon, sweetie. What happened_? Agatha asks as soon as she enter the room

_-Nothing._

_-Come on._

_-Simon here just discovered that Baz is gay_. Penny says

- _Oh_ … Agatha just looks at her shoes and I feel kind of betrayed

- _You knew??_

_-Not really! Not for sure! You know I know him forever because our families go to the same stupid clubs and stuff. I think he was dating a guy in high school… I don’t know._

_-Why did you never tell me that?_

_-I just didn’t what good it will do…_

_-That’s what I said_! Penny says giving us warm cups of tea. It hurts my hands but I welcome the feeling

- _So what happened then_? Ask Agatha, flipping her hair and taking a sip.

- _He was kissing Agwé._

_-I thought you didn’t want to be with Agwé…_

_-I don’t want to. It’s not the problem. The-the fucking problem is me okay?_

_-Because you like Baz._

 

I can’t believe my ears, it’s not even a question to her

 

- _WHAT? NO!_

_-okay…_

_-What do you mean? I-I what do you say that?_

_-I don’t know Simon I just feel like you’re obsessed with him and I mean he’s hot so… Penny?_

_-Uuuuuh I don’t know I guess I never thought about it that way. Usually Simon does not say nice things about him. Or to him_. Penny says. Thank god.

- _Yeah exactly I hate him_! I say with too much passion. I hate myself when I talk about Baz.

- _Okay… my mistake then why are you upset_? Agatha says like she still thinks I have a crush on fucking Baz.

- _I think we should just leave it and talk about something else_. I mumble.

 

That night I go to sleep with my head full of Baz kissing Agwé and I can feel a million knifes stabbing my heart. I hate it.

 

BAZ

 

I go straight to my car. I have texted Leo that I’m not feeling well and that I was going home. She just answered “Nooooo! Mais Agwé! Il parle français et il te trouve canon” (But Agwé! He speaks French and thinks you’re hot”. I really don’t want to think about Agwé right now. I just drive and try to think about nothing. I put music on my Ipod but every song makes me think of Simon so I just turn it off.

 

Once I’m home it’s late, I go directly to my room and leave a note to say I’m here. I just crawl in my bed still fully clothed. I cry until I fall asleep. I wake up as the sun goes up. I must have slept barely 3 hours but I didn’t close the curtains and now I have Simon kissing boys in my head. Other boys. So I do what I have sworn never to do and go check Agatha Wellbeloved Instagram. We follow each other because we know each other forever but I keep our relationship to a minimum since she’s Simon best friend, and also ex? I don’t know anymore? Is Simon Snow fucking gay??? Anyways her Instagram is full of pictures of flowers, insects and animals she sees. It’s kind of cute. It’s also full of picture of Penelope Bunce and Simon Snow. And Simon looks so alive in all those pictures. He is smiling smiles I never really saw and it feels like the sun on my skin. I scroll and see him in the library, at parties, by a swimming pool in summer (Dear. God. Above). There is boomerang of him showing his middle finger to the camera and even if my heart feels like it’s broken beyond repair I smile. I am so weak; I remember why I forbid my self the Instagram stalking. Because it’s too good, I’m indulging myself. Now that I see that I can imagine myself being happy with him so much vividly. I eventually see the picture I needed to be sure. It’s a picture of Simon at the last Pride; he has the bisexual flag painted on his cheeks, he’s smiling his shy smile but the pink on his face tells me he is a little drunk. There is a girl on the left kissing his head, I think it’s Bunce but she has a wig so I’m not sure. On his right is Agwé and he is kissing his fucking neck. The caption is “We saved the world. I say we party.”

 

So. Simon Snow is bisexual. It doesn’t change a thing. It changes everything.


	10. Chapter 10. Little Lion Man - Mumford and sons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When texting Simon is Bold, Baz is italic and Penny underline

BAZ

 

I wake up to the sound of my mother (step mother) and sister talking just behind my door. Mordy must want to come inside and wake me up so we can hang out. Eventually they leave. I am still dizzy from all that had happened yesterday night. I look at the time on my phone and see that I have 14 drunk texts from Leo and one text from Simon Snow. My heart stop but I can feel my blood rushing everywhere. I jump and then sit down on my bed. My hands are shaking, I hate myself. I unlock my phone very slowly and then read his text like my life depends on it:

 

**Hello Baz, I know you do not want to hear from me but I am terribly sorry for what happened yesterday night. I had no right to react so vividly but know that it was done from the kindness (righteousness?) of my heart. I am sorry that I assumed your sexual orientation; it was so dumb of me to be so heteronormative. Please say sorry to Leopoldine for me as well. I do hope you and Agwé had a great night after my stupid intervention, or that you will meet again. Once again I apologise even if I know too well you will not care. Have a great end of school break. See you around. Simon.**

What the hell.

 

I think my brain is broken. My heart too but what else is new. I never felt more alive, or in love with him. Of course his apology is bloody perfect! He’s fucking Simon Snow, always the good man, always so selfless. And incredibly cute, ‘heteronormative’?? I swear he’s the love of my life. But no, he can’t, he hates me. But what is he on about with his ‘see you around’? Why would he even say that? It’s not like he wants to… of course it must be guilt. He always has to be nice and perfect. His text is so fragile I want to hold him so tight and tell him I love him. I shake my head; I don’t want to go there. Plus it’s probably Bunce who wrote the text. I have never heard him talk like that or read anything he wrote which was not complete shite. I must have read his text 1000 times now.

 

SIMON

 

I wake up to the sound of Penny on the phone, probably with Agatha since I can hear she’s talking about me and the fact that I screamed in my sleep again. Except last night it was not about disappointing people I love, or seeing them dead. No, it was about Agwé and Baz kissing passionately on the counter of the bloody kitchen and me screaming at them.

 

What the hell.

 

What is wrong with me? I don’t care about Agwé that way, I’m sure of it. He’s a good friend and we have great fun and sex together but when he wanted more I just didn’t feel like it. It might be because I thought Baz had a girlfriend and I wanted to do the right thing for her and for Agwé. It must be.

 

At the same time the face I can’t stop seeing is Baz’s. I didn’t know he was gay and it shouldn’t change anything but it does. I keep seeing his face just before he kissed Agwé, playing slowly in my mind. And then I see his face once I stoped them, the hatred, the disgust and I want to throw up. I thought he couldn’t hate me more but now I’m not so sure. I need to at least apologise even though it won’t change a thing, _I_ will feel better. So I’ll do that for myself.

 

I take a shower first and replay everything again in my head, thinking about what I’m going to say. I go to my desk with a warm cup of tea and try to write what I feel on paper first.

 

“Dear Basilton, I sincerely apologise for my behaviour last night. I thought I was doing the right thing” No that’s so lame and formal. I’m not writing to my teacher…

 

“Baz, I can’t stop thinking about last night. Please forgive me. I’m so sick of you hating me. I think I like you please like me back” wow where did that come from? It’s true that I’m sick of him hating me, and not knowing why. I guess I like him… I wouldn’t really know. Well I know he is hot as fuck that’s for sure. Anyways that is not a time for dwelling on Baz legs in his football shorts or his ass in his dark suits or even his right hand on a pen writing notes on my paper, so close to my own hand…

 

I need to fucking stop all the thinking now. I take a deep breath and write what I would like to read if I was in his place.

 

I go to the kitchen to wash my cup and meet Penny who was leaving to meet with friends and asks me to come with her. I refuse because I don’t feel like seeing anyone really. I hate myself so much for what I did yesterday… I am so stupid, and awkward and now Baz hates me even more.

 

I spend the rest of the day watching Sherlock on Netflix and crying my heart out. I dose off and awake to the sound of a text. It’s Baz.

 

_Don’t worry about it Snow._


	11. Chapter 11. Feelings - Hayley Kiyoko

PENNY

 

It’s the third week of our last semester as undergrad and I am so excited because today we will receive our assigned cold case. As criminology student our most important grade for the year will be a dissertation on an unsolved case. I have no clue what mine will be but I know Simon is going to be happy because my parents told me it was a good one, with mysterious death circumstances! Of course they said nothing of my case.

 

I spend the day at home with Simon and Agatha because we cannot focus on work while waiting for the email that will tell us how we’re going to live our life for the next months. Even me and I am a master with focusing when others don’t (mostly Simon).

 

Agatha is the first to receive the email, she almost spill her tea on her lap reaching for her phone. She’s not too happy, it’s on some gang murder that happened only 4 years ago and she’s more into history cases. But I think she’s relieved to finally know. I receive mine at the same time as Simon, and I’m so happy because it’s a gang rape from the 80’s (yes we’re kind of creepy sorry). I look up at Simon to know what’s his and I’ve never seen him so pale. His free hand makes a fist and then he just stand up from his chair and leave almost running. I call his name but he has already left the flat. It’s mid February, it’s raining like hell and he just left without his coat. I text him ARE YOU OKAY??? After an hour without an answer I text my mum to know what’s Simon’s case about and her answer makes my blood run cold: ‘Natasha Grimm-Pitch death’.

 

BAZ

 

I am in my flat having crêpes with Leo to celebrate that I just got my cold case and she, the dissertation subject she wanted. We’re watching Vine compilations on YouTube, giggling and talking at the same time of the videos when I hear a loud bang at my door.

 

‘ _Tu attends quelqu’un?_ (are you expecting anyone?) She asks

- _Toutes les personnes que j’aime dans cette université sont déjà dans cette pièce_ (all the people I like in this Uni are already in the room)’

 

She snorts and I go to the door. I open it to a very real, very chocked and very wet Simon Snow. I say very real because I must have imagine a 100 times finding Simon at my door asking me to go out with him, pushing me and kissing me, even on his knees asking me to marry him. Yeah that one was too far even for me. Anyway all that thinking has not helped me prepare for the real thing. For Simon Snow at my door with wet hair sticking on his forehead. For the way his blue T-shirt is showing his entire chest now that it’s soaking wet. It takes all I have in me not to look at his tights.

 

‘ _What happened to you_? I ask and wish it wouldn’t sound so concerned

- _I-I forgot my coat_. He says like he just realised he did and where he is.

- _How surprising of you to forget something Snow. What the fuck are you doing here? I don’t have time to listen to you whine about school right now_. He rolls his eyes and I see now that he’s freezing, I want to hold him.

- _I need to talk to you and you want to take the time to listen to me I can assure you that_.

- _Do I_? I say with disgust. Leo is standing near me with her coat, she’s about to leave and I am panicking. I don’t want to be alone with sexy wet Simon Snow in my flat. Oh my god.

- _Je crois que je vais y aller, appel moi ce soir_ (I’m going now, call me tonight) and she looks at me like it’s the first time she ever saw me. Fuck, she knows. She leaves with a little smile for Simon who just nod.

- _Come in Snow_.

 

I don’t know what I’m doing but I have no choice. I know his face, there is no point in fighting when he looks like that. He takes a step inside my leaving room and looks at everything. It is so weird to have him in my flat. I want to take a picture of him standing there just to remind me that it really happened. Simon was here.

 

- _Tea_? I ask, because he looks pale and cold and I am weak.

- _Look I just got my case for the end of the year…_

_-Oh so it is about school. I told you I had no time for that and I was having a good time with my "girlfriend" so…_

_-It’s your mother's death_.’

 

I stop with the kettle mid air for what feels like forever. I put it with a loud bang on the kitchen counter and close my eyes. First I think it’s a joke, or revenge or something. That this is not happening but then I think that Simon Snow would never do something like that because he hates but he still is the most decent human being I have ever met. When I open my eyes he is standing if front of me, we’ve never been so close facing each other.

 

‘ _I’m sorry Baz… I don’t exactly know what to say or why I came like that… I-I just knew immediately I should tell you._

_-Why do you have that case? Why do you have that case?_

_-I don’t know… it’s just a coincidence I don’t think they choose a case for any particular student._

_-Oh you don’t think. Nothing’s new_. I want to punch him I don’t know why. I want to punch him and take his wet t-shirt off.

- _Come on Baz don’t start_. He says that with such a pleading voice that I don’t answer I just look down at the kettle.

- _I am here because it’s your mother and I-I think I now have access to stuff you don’t and I was thinking we could do the research together…_

 _-Did you?_ My mind is blank, it’s like I will never be able to think straight again.

- _Yes and of course I’ll help you with your case if you want_!

- _I don’t want your help_! I think I’m talking way to loud

- _Well I want yours_!

 

There is silence between us for a couple of minutes. I’m looking at the ceiling now, trying to calm my breathing. When I feel calm and collected enough I look at him and talk

 

_-I won’t help you; we won’t work on this or anything together. You will give me all you have and that’s it._

_-It’s my final grade too_

_-Did you just compare my mother’s death to your grade_? I am almost laughing.

- _NO! No shit sorry… fuck I don’t know how to talk to you Baz… I am not as bad as you think when it comes to fieldwork… And I want to do that with you_.’

 

He seemed as chocked as me about what he just said. I look at my feet because I can’t handle his stare. After a moment he just says ‘ _I’m going to leave you think about it’_ and leaves my flat.


	12. Chapter 12. Everything Now - Arcade Fire

BAZ

 

After Simon left my flat I sat on my couch just staring at the wall. I am wondering if I should tell my father about Snow having my mother’s case. Surely it is Mage’s doing, he wants Snow to write with his indoctrinated mind that my mother did die by accident. I won’t tell my father because he will again talk of ending this, ending Snow. I am wondering if it is destiny giving me a chance to prove to Snow that his dear mentor is a killer when my phone ring. It’s Leo. I brace myself and answer.

 

‘ _Salut bébé_ (hi babe)

- _Bonsoir Leopoldine_ (Good evening Leopoldine)

- _Bon, qu’est-ce qui s’est passé cet après midi au juste? C’était Simon Snow??_ (so what happened this afternoon? Was that Simon Snow?)

- _Oui_ (yes)

- _Okay Basilton I’m going to talk in your mother tong because I want you to understand me perfectly…_ She says that to piss me off but I don’t have the strength to protest. I know what’s coming. _It’s a stupid question but I have to ask to be sure, is it the same Simon fucking Snow that you told me you hate? Like, so many times_. 

- _He is_  

- _Ah_! She yells. _I should have known he was hot! You couldn’t hate him that much because of the lack of brain cells or our families. It was in fact sexual frustration. I mean I don’t blame you that shirt was tight_ …

- _It is NOT sexual frustration! Well I mean, maybe a little_ …

- _Baz, sweet sweet angel of death, you cannot fool me. Plus Agwé told me you left after Simon thought you were my boyfriend. And I guess you left because of him and not Agwé._

- _You’re not wrong. But I do hate him_.

- _huhu. That was not the look on your face this afternoon, pretty boy._

- _I hate him okay?_

_-Okay okay. In a ’10 things I hate about you’ way?_

_-Fuck you._

_-That’s what I thought. I don’t understand you! Why do you want to be alone? Why don’t you just tell him! Agwé told me things about him… oh boy he could do you some good_.’

 

At that I throw my phone to the other side of the room. I hear it ring a couple of times. Once I got my breathing back to normal I call back Leo. I am nothing without her and I feel loneliness really getting to me since Simon’s left.

 

‘ _I’m sorry Leo._

 _-Hey it’s okay… I’m sorry I shouldn’t have pushed it… I didn’t know. I’m sorry_.

 

I take several deep breaths, ready to say what I have never said outside of my head, out loud.

 

- _The truth is Leo, I am hopelessly in love with him. I think I have been since the day I first saw him. I do hate him because of how he makes me feel, and I hate myself for being so weak. But I also hate him because he is loyal to Mage, to my mother’s killer. I could never be with him. And he hates me too, I made sure of that_.

 

Wow, it feels actually good having someone knowing. Saying that makes it so real too.

 

- _I won’t talk about Mage because you know my opinion on that. What I know is that this afternoon he didn’t look at you with hate. Fear, yes, he looked anxious and fucking freezing but that’s it. Why was he here by the way?_

_-His cold case is my mother’s death._

_-Oh Baz I’m sorry… what did he said?_

_-He wants me to investigate with him._

_-That’s amazing! What did you say?_

_-No of course._

_-EEEEEEH WHAT? WHY?_

_-Obviously it’s just Mage’s doing. He wants Simon to convince me it’s an accident._

_-I’m pretty sure he run straight to your house, forgetting his coat, just to tell you that because he’s got a good heart. Baz I know you consider yourself very clever but you can be so eternally dumb._

_-I know._

- _What did you say_? There is smile in her voice and it makes me smile. Not everything is lost then.

- _I know I’m dumb. I think I am also afraid to work so closely to him and just kiss him._

_-Oh and that would be terrible why?_

_-Because he will reject me._

_-How do you know?_

_-I just know._

_-Right, know that I don’t believe you. You still have to work with him, for your mother._

_-I know._

_-Well text him._

_-Okay._

_-Je t’aime Baz_ (I love you Baz)

- _Moi aussi_ (Me too)’.

 

SIMON

 

I wake up the next day with the feeling of my head about to explode and like I will never breath through my nose ever again. I just stare at the ceiling, the room is dark but the sun peaks underneath my curtains. Of course now it stopped raining… I growl. 5 minutes later there’s a small knock at my door, it’s penny giving me tea. I love her with all my being.

 

‘ _Hey you look like shit_. She says but softly.

- _I know… fucking rain._

_-That’s what we have coats._

_-Well human being should have evolved_. She snort. 

- _I know you have Baz’s mother’s death… I was worried so I asked my parents. You went to see him?_

 _-Yeah… didn’t go well of course… I should have think about it before going_.

- _You did what your heart told you_ … Not again with my heart and Baz please, I can’t take it anymore. I remember his face when I told him; he was so hurt it’s driving me crazy. _You should rest Si… you’ll be better soon_.

 

She leaves my room and I look at my phone. I have three texts from Baz, all sent at 3 am. I sit up so quickly I almost faint with the pain in my head.

 

From: Baz

 

_Snow, sorry for my reaction, it was due to chock._

_I accept your offer to work together on my mother’s murder._

_I want to start as soon as possible._

 

I can’t help but smile. It’s an awful situation; I mean we are going to work on baz’s dead mother but I’m so happy that we are going to work together and not against each other. I answer quickly.

 

**I’m happy you change your mind. Wanna come to my flat at 6 today?**

 

I regret sending that as soon as I did. It was so light for such a serious subject. AND I just invited Baz to my flat???? But 1 minute later he answer “ _sure._ ”. I get up and find Penny in her room; I immediately lie on her bed and look at her. She looks up from her book, waiting for me to talk.

 

‘ _Baz agreed to work with me on my cold case. He’s coming to the flat at 6._

_-Oh that’s great Simon! I can help you too if you want me to! But you should sleep before he comes…_

_-Well I can’t I need to buy stuff to cook for tonight._

_-Do you?_

_-Of course Pen I need to cook for him!_

_-I’m sure you do’_. She says smiling; I ignore her and leave her room after kissing her forehead.


	13. Chapter 13. Here Come the Sun - The Beatles

SIMON

 

I am so fucking nervous. I don’t know exactly why, but I have always been trying to impress Baz and this is my chance. Penny looks at me like I’m completely mad but I don’t care. I clean the bathroom 3 times and our kitchen/living room 2 times. I also clean my room, which is stupid because there is no reason in the world for Baz to be in my room. I stop dusting, thinking about Baz standing in my bedroom, Baz in boxer short in my bedroom… I need to take a shower before he arrives and stop thinking about that before I go to the said shower. It’s not like I never masturbate thinking about Baz. I have, many times since I know him. I mean he is one of the most attractive people I know but his face, or butt, usually comes to my mind while masturbating. The moment when I don’t really control what or who I’m thinking about. And he’ll be here in an hour. I cannot masturbate thinking about him now…

 

After my quick shower I just sat on the couch scrolling through Instragram, not really seeing anything. At exactly 6 pm there is a knock and I jump on my feet. I see Penny looking at me and walk slowly to the door. And here he is, Basilton Grimm-Pitch is at my door. And he is wearing the same jeans he had at the bloody party last month. He is also wearing a black bomber jacket. And I shouldn’t look at him like that, staring, but his hair are in a bun and his cheeks are pink with the cold outside. I smile a big smile without noticing and tell him to come in. He doesn’t smile but enter and say a quick ‘ _Hello Bunce’_. I turn to Baz still smiling (I can’t help myself) and ask:

 

‘ _Can I take your clothes? I-I mean your coat… oh my god, fucking coat_ ’ Why am I like this? He doesn’t answer and just gives me his coat. Good at least he’s not mocking me, that’s a not so bad start I guess. He wears a dark and tight sweater. I go out of the room to put his coat in my room (do I know why? No I don’t). When I come back in the room penny is erasing our white board saying we might need it to study. She wrote her usual two columns: “What we know” “What we don’t know”. I feel so happy that they are both here.

 

BAZ

 

I’ve arrived in front of Simon’s building at 5:45 and spent 15 minutes pacing in the cold thinking about what the fuck I’m doing here. It’s going to be a disaster. But my life usually is, what could get worse? He already hates me; hating me more won’t change how I feel.

 

He opens the flat door with the most beautiful grin. I don’t think he realise that he has never smile at me before and now he’s giving a full teeth, eyes wrinkling grin. I think I might go blind just looking at him; it really is like looking at the sun.

 

I enter and see Penelope Bunce looking at me, smiling. What’s up with all the smiles in this house? I say hello to her, I think I could be friend with her if she wasn’t Simon’s best friend. She’s really clever and Agatha told me she was really funny. Simon is still looking at me grinning and I really should call him Snow in my head too because if he keeps looking at me like that I might slip and just blurt everything I feel or call him Simon to his face. It gets worse when Simon, I mean Snow, asks me to take my clothes instead of coat. He mumbles and get out of the room. I’m completely dumbstruck about it and I try to register exactly how he said it so I can replay it in my mind later. And alone.

 

Bunce is talking logistic of how to study cold cases; it’s a good distraction. Simon comes back and he’s doing something in the kitchen part of the room. Finally he says ‘ _okay it’s cooking_ ’. I look back at him and realise only now that he’s wearing a bleu tracksuit; I can almost see the muscles of his tights. He’s also wearing a large white t-shirt with the inscription “Cause I’m with you till the end of the line” with two hands holding, it’s definitely Captain America and the Winter Soldier hands. I can see his collarbones. I swallow slowly. I’m thinking of running away, it’s too much for me. And isn’t this flat very very warm?

 

Bunce is giving me a beer; which is amazing because it gives me something to do with my hand. We start talking about the case; Simon has made a list of all the documents and has numerated them so we can find them and talk about them more easily. What he did, how he organised them is actually pretty good. I’m impressed but I say nothing. After an hour of debating and writing on their white board (seriously I didn’t picture Simon Snow with a white board at his house, must be Penelope’s) the flat is full of an amazing smell of lasagne. Bunce ask him if he cooked lasagne all afternoon and he says yes, then he turns to me and says ‘ _Don’t worry Grimm-Pitch, they’re vegetarian’_. It’s weird because Simon always calls me Baz and the fact that he just called me by my name does something in my stomach. But most importantly how the fuck does he know that I’m a vegetarian? I have never eaten with him before. I feel myself getting red I need to find some composure. I ask to use the bathroom to have some time alone getting back on track.

 

I enter their corridor and take my time to look at everything. I don’t feel like a creep, everyone does that right? The first time you go somewhere? Okay maybe not on that level of interest but I do it anyways. I didn’t let myself look in the living room, Snow is clueless but I’m sure Bunce would have noticed. One side of their wall is covered with photos of them with friends and Penelope family. It’s in chronological order, following a red strap along the wall. I realise there is no pictures of Mage, I thought they had a father/son relationship but there is no photo of him while there are a lot of Simon with Penelope’s parents, even a few with Agatha’s. My heart feels really tight in my chest when I look at pictures of Simon during our first year because I remember how it was hard at that time, when he was still trying to understand why I hated him. I feel tears forming in my eyes so I look at the other wall. There are a lot of art reproductions, posters of movies and series, some quote form books… what a bunch of nerds, I can’t help but smile. When I reach the bathroom I take deep breath. I’m disgust with how much I enjoy the smell of Simon’s soap. I noticed his hair was still a bit damp when I got here, he must have showered just before. I put some water on my face and almost run back, fearing I will never be able to leave this bathroom, the warmth and smell of Simon Snow all around me.

 

When I get back they’re ready to eat, his lasagne are amazing, of fucking course. I try not to moan at every bite. I insist to wash the dishes since he cooked and he looks at me like I’m an alien. Eventually he lets me but dry everything with a cloth. I glimpse at his hands slowly rubbing plates and glasses. I even indulge myself and look at his neck, and how it moves when he talks. Bunce must have left the room because there’s no sound except the one we make, cleaning and talking. I’m talking about my own cold case; he still insists he might help me on this one too. I tell him I don’t see what he can ever do for me but I don’t sound mean, I don’t want to sound mean (I’m high on his sent, his warmth, of the way our elbows and fingers are almost touching when I give him something to dry). And just like that he laughs. He actually laughs at something I just say. I made Simon Snow laughs.

 

I leave 15 minutes later and I can’t stop from smiling when I say goodbye to him. I walk home thinking about the sound of his laugh, when he laughed, just for me.


	14. Chapter 14. Thinkin Bout You - Frank Ocean

 

SIMON

 

It has been 2 weeks now since Baz and I started working together. It has ups and downs, sometimes he smiles a private little smile that makes me think he trust me, tells jokes, gets me coffees and generally nice. But sometimes we’re back to him getting frustrated on how slow I am and telling me he hates me. I am starting to think it might be worse now that I know how it could be between us but it’s not to because he despise me. Part of me always hoped he hated for something that has nothing to do with who I am, how I am. Except now that I have the ability to show the best I can do he still hates me and it hurts. Agatha thinks I should talk to him about my feelings, I mean I could, if I knew what they were. I do everything not to think about it.

 

We have fewer classes to have more free time to work on our cold cases. Baz is back home to find where his mother exactly went the weekend before she died, we know it was in a cabin in a forest but we want to go there to talk to people that might remember her, she was kind of famous, 1st female director of Watford and all. It’s Wednesday and I don’t have news from Baz, which is highly annoying, he usually texts me when he has news. I am afraid his father find out what he was doing, he told me he was afraid to tell him because he would try to prevent it.

 

To Baz:

 

**Hey Baz, how are you doing? How’s being home?**

_Good. How’s not having a home?_

_Sorry that was uncalled for._

_My mother old desk room hasn’t change but she has so many papers, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for._

_Please don’t sing_.

 

I smile, even if the first text has felt like a knife through my heart, the next ones have soothed everything out.

 

**I’ll have you know I have an amazing voice you’d be honoured to hear me mate.**

**Is it okay being in her room? Maybe I should have come help**. 

_Yes well I’m sure my family would have been civil but I’m fine._

_Thank you._

_I feel kind of at ease here. Which surprised me at first._

_I just found a picture of my mother and I, I was 4._

**OMG I waaaaanna see that now**!

_No_

**Please pleqse pretty pleee333ase**.

_Did you loose the ability to write?_

 

I send him a selfie with my best “please” face. He answers with a picture of the picture. He’s a fat and beautiful baby, laughing, He’s mother look just likes him, she is gorgeous.

 

 **You are so cute I’m dying**.

_Please don’t._

_Or do, I mean, do whatever_.

 **Huhu you said it! Uou don’t want me dead!!!! I guess that’s a first. You did push me down the stairs**.

_I did not._

_It was an accident._

_I was surprised when you touched me_.

**Really?????**

_Really._

**So I just disgust you that much that you would push me down the stairs because I touch your shoulders**.

 

BAZ

 

**So I just disgust you that much that you would push me down the stairs because I touch your shoulders.**

Fuck what do I do. I don’t know if he’s joking. I love sarcasm with all my heart but texting Simon in a minefield. I also don’t want him to think that he disgusts me. I have been indulging myself way too much in the last weeks. Letting myself being nice with him and even flirting (for a really short time then I realised what I was doing and couldn’t breath). I also realised how he lack self-love and even if I shouldn’t care I realised how it hurts him when _I_ am mean.

 

 _You don’t disgust me you make me feel nervous_. 

**How????**

**I mean**

**You’re better at everything, why would you be nervous**?

 _I don’t know I just am_.

 

I know exactly but I’m not telling him.

 

 _I found my mother diary, well another one. She had two diaries_!

**Omg did she wrote something for the forest weekend?**

_Yes !_

_“meeting with L.”_

_Who’s L????_

**A lover…?**

_DON’T YOU DARE_

**SORRY**

**A FRIEND? A COLLEGUE?**

_Stop yelling_.

**You started it. The real question is, whoever that is, why did she had to hide it? And from whom?**

I smile, a big bright smile. I smile because I love him more and more, he’s brilliant, he’s caring and he just dropped the subject on me not being disgust. I also smile because we have a lead and I want to hug him.

 

_Good questioning, Snow. I can’t think of anyone I know that could be L. I could ask Iain._

**Who’s Iain?**

_My ex._

 

Why did I just say that? He doesn’t need to know.

 

 _And someone who knows my family and me very well_.

 

He takes more time to answer. He might be getting ready for bed, he always sleeps so early.

 

**Ah. Well if you trust him.**

_I do._

**Why aren’t you together anymore?**

 

What kind of question is that? Why does he care? He’s afraid someone is going to tell Mage he is working with me. I made him promise not to tell him and I felt like he was surprised I even considered that he might.

 

 _Not really of your business but if you must know he left for Canada to study_.

**You still love him?**

_No._

 

I don’t know why I answer and I don’t know why he asks. But right now I’m so high on my discovery I could tell him everything and anything. Thank god he’s not here I might bloody lick his face.

 

**Do you have a boyfriend at Uni?**

**I never asked, but did you get back to Agwé? I’m sorry I’m nosy… it’s just that I see you a lot on campus and thought you were with Leopoldine so** …

_No and no. You thought that because society tells you that if you see a boy and a girl together in public more than twice then they are dating. That’s lame but I’m past that._

**It was more that two times. I see you everyday Baz. I always see you**.

My heart is racing, I don’t know what it means, and does he know what he’s saying? What it’s doing to me?

**Agwé told me you looked surprised when he told you I was sleeping with him for a while. So who else assumed sexuality eh? ;)**

My hand is making a fist because I don’t want to be thinking of him and Agwé fucking. But I am able to calm down because of the stupid winking face. I hate that emoji but from Simon it means he’s not mad, he’s okay.

 _I guess you’re right. My bad. I thought you were down for Wellbeloved_.

 **I had a crush 1 st year, I mean come on she’s clever, nice, and gorgeous. But I was never really in love**. **I’ve never been in love I think.**

**Wait! Did you just admit you made a mistake????!**

Never been in love. How lucky he is.

 

_I did. Now stop jumping around with happiness like a dog. Shouldn’t you be asleep baby Snow?_

**Passed my bedtime no rest in the kingdom.**

**Now don’t’ YOU dare sing**.

 _I wouldn’t to that to the Queen_.

**I want to listen to something to sleep but idk what. Any ideas baby Baz?**

 

Did he just call me BABY????? Oh. _Oh_. It’s because I just did. When did I stop rereading 10 times what I was sending to him? I just called him baby. And he called me baby back. Well not in a tender kind of way but still.

 

 _Frank Ocean_.

**Are you listening to him to sleep?**

_Yes_.

**Okay.**

**Will do.**

**Goodnight Baz**.

 

What the fuck is happening?


	15. Chapter. 15 Roses- ABRA

LEO

 

I go to see Baz at his house on Friday. We usually see each other everyday but he has been in his (our?) hometown for the week. He is deep in his investigation and I think I need to remind him that the rest of the world still exists. Also I want to know more about how it is to work with Simon. We haven’t really talked about it since he told me he was in love with him. And it was weeks ago.

 

There’s no one home except the housekeeper/nanny. I found Baz in his room, sitting on the floor in the middle of papers and notes.

 

“ _Well hello! Are you Basilton Grimm-Pitch? I’m not sure I haven’t seen him since 1865._

 _-Haha you are so funny_. He answers but he’s smiling. We hug and I sit with him and his work.

- _So how are you doing?_

 _-Are we talking in English now_? He asks with a false French accent.

- _Give me a break, I have been writing in English all week my brain hasn’t switch yet._

_-Okay girl. I’m fine, we have actually found new leads._

_-We?_ I ask, arching my eyebrows. He is so easily flustered it’s too good not to do.

- _Yes Leo, we. Snow has been a better investigator than I thought. Which is good for my mother’s case but not good for me._

 _-Ah. Yes. Because he hates you so much that he actually help you. I mean I wish people hate me like that. I should try to talk to that bitch in my French Grammar class and ask her to help with my dissertation I’m sure she’ll be thrilled_.

 

He doesn’t answer just look at the ground. I put my arm around him and kiss his temple. I don’t know what to say to him to make him realise that Snow does not hate him. I have talked to Agatha and I know so, but I don’t want to tell him, he’ll be mad. Even if I didn’t spilled his secret or anything he will still be mad. I’ve met Agatha a couple of times and she was always really sweet. I contacted her on Facebook to ask question about Simon. I told her I was doing my BFF job asking around about Simon Snow now that he was working on Baz’s mother case. Which is not technically a lie. Agatha confirmed that Simon did not hate Baz but was frustrated with him. What an interesting choice of word. She also told me that they were going out tonight and that we should come. I think we are on the same wave (probably a bad translation from French but eh I said my brain sucked today).

 

- _Baz… I need to tell you something. Look at me_. He looks into my eyes now. _You deserve to be loved_. He laughs, but not a good one, a bitter one. _No seriously Baz! I know how you feel about yourself and you are wrong. You are a good man, you are sweet and funny and maybe I’m biased but that’s what I think, what I feel. I love you because of who you are, everything you are_. _I wish you could see that… I don’t know what to do and I think there’s nothing I can do. You have to love yourself I can never love you enough for the both of us. But I still want to tell you, you deserve to be loved, by you and by someone else too_.’

 

I can see water in his eyes but he hides his face with a hug. We start talking about other stuff to clear the air. I have said what I had to say and he listened. Nothing more I can do on the subject. We’ve been talking about books for 3 hours now, I need to convince him to go out tonight. I don’t really have a strategy, which is bad because he’s good at refusing to go out. And now I can’t use the ‘you need a good shag’ card.

 

- _Au fait Baz_ (by the way Baz), _I’m going out for drinks tonight, just with Math and Clem. You should come, you need a drink and to relax_. I’m thinking fast, once he agrees to that it will be easier to get him to the club where Agatha and Simon are going, I just need him to drink a beer and be in a good mood.

 

- _Yep ok_.

 

Well that was surprisingly easy.

 

SIMON

 

Agatha and Penny have joined forces against me, convincing me to go out tonight. They know how uncomfortable I am in nightclubs so they told me we were just going for beers and then I was in such a good mood, having great time with my two best friends that I couldn’t say no to them. Also I feel so horny for weeks now that I think I might just found someone to go home with. Being socially awkward doesn’t mean you always say no when people ask you out, to me it just means I would never ask. I’m drinking Gin and Tonic now, so I’m uninhibited enough to dance with Penny. Agatha is talking to people she knows from her family, children of her parents friends probably. I’m busy jumping and laughing really hard on Flo Rida Whistle when I realise Ags is actually talking to Leopoldine, Baz’s best friend. I stop jumping, looking everywhere trying to find Baz but I don’t see him. She’s probably here without him; I think he’s still at his parent’s house. Also not a club person. I resume my dancing, now grinding on Ignition. I feel really warm now so I go to the bathroom to put some water on my face. That’s where I meet Baz. He looks completely chocked to see me here, his lips parted and eyes wild on my face. He’s wearing a fucking black suit, black shirt and black tie. How is he not dying of heat? And also how can he be so hot? His hair falls around his face and it’s wonderful. I should have stayed on the dance floor because I’m even more warm now.

 

‘ _HIIIIIII BAZ_. I say with a grin, and apparently yelling I don’t know why.

- _Hello Snow. I didn’t know you where here_.

- _Well I am_. Why is he saying that? Like he regrets being at the same place as me? _Do you-you want me to leave?_ I ask sheepishly.

- _What?_

_-Nothing, never mind. I should go back to… well I should go back._

 

I leave the bathroom and feel angry and sad. I don’t know why I thought for 5 seconds that he would be happy to see me. We’re working together, we’re not friend, he has told me so many times. When I go back Penny and Agatha are talking with Leo and two boys I don’t know. I have no choice but to join them even if right now I just want to go to my bed and sleep for a week, in shame. When I join them Leopoldine shakes my hand and looks absolutely over the moon to see me. Which is the weirdest thing ever, but it seems like a weird night is on its way anyways.

 

‘- _Hi Simon ! I’m Leo, this is Math and Clem ! I’m so happy to meet you. We’re going back to my flat and you are coming with us I won’t let you say no to me. Also Penny here has your house key and won’t give them to you so you have to come sorry my boy_. I found her way more pretty now that I see her up close, or now that I know she’s not dating Baz.

- _uuh well okay, it’s not like I have choice then_ ! I say but smiling, but I also look at Penny with anger. Since when does she go to party with people she barely knows? At that moment Baz joins the group, he comes to stand near me, I can feel his hand so close to mine. He talks to Leo directly:

- _Est-ce qu’on peut rentrer maintenant_? ( _Can we go home now?)_

 _-Oh we’re going home alright’_. She says with a weird American accent. I swear people studying language are always doing voices.

 

BAZ

 

I now realise that tonight was an ambush. When I arrived at the bar it was clear that Leo, Math and Clem knew already that we were going clubbing after drinks. And when we arrived Leo was checking her phone and then Agatha Wellbeloved came talk to us. Which had never happened outside of families gathering. And then I see him. Smiling like the sun, dancing like no one is around, moving his hips like it was decent to do it in public. Singing along bad innuendos. He’s wearing a light blue shirt with his sleeves roll up, also he has three buttons open. I can see moles on his torso and forearms from where I’m standing. He is wearing grey trousers, way to tight. At first all I can see is him, like he is the only one in the light in a dark room. But after a couple of minutes all I can see is all the people, boys and girls, looking at him. Looking at him in the same way I’m looking at him. I bet the idiot has no fucking clue. He’s yelling ‘It's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun’ with some redhead girl that just came dancing against him. I think I might throw up or crawl on the floor to be at his feet. I excuse myself and almost run to the bathroom. I go to a stool to compose myself but when I go out I found myself facing a really red and now with really wet face Simon Snow.

 

‘‘ _HIIIIIII BAZ_. He says with a grin.

- _Hello Snow. I didn’t know you where here_. I say coldly. I immediately regret it when I see the hurt on his face. It’s getting harder and harder to be mean to him because now his face doesn’t answer with hatred but with utter hurt.

- _Well I am_. _Do you-you want me to leave?_ He asks, really low. I want to slap my own face. I want to tell him ‘I’m happy your are’ but all I am able to say is:

- _What?_ Which is really the lamest thing ever.

 _-Nothing, never mind. I should go back to… well I should go back._ And with that he storms out the bathroom. Now I do, I slap my face with my two hands. I really want to go home now. When I come back he is talking with Leo, she has an enormous smile and I am so afraid. She will not say anything but I don’t want them friend. I mean I do but I don’t. It would mean more Simon around all the time. I take some time, standing there watching them but eventually I need to go to them. When I go my body instinctively go next to Simon and our hands almost touch. Thank god they don’t. When I ask to go home to Leo she answers simply.

 

‘ _Oh we’re going home alright’_

She does that American accent that I hate but I know I say nothing because I understand from the mischief in her voice that Simon is coming, and I am too weak not to take every opportunity I have to be in the same room as him.


	16. Chapter 16. Goosebumps – Travis Scott

SIMON

 

We’ve been at Leo’s place for an hour now. She keeps talking to me, Penny and Agatha. She is actually really nice and into the same shows we are. She has Johnlock fan art on her wall so I might be in love. Baz hasn’t say a word to me but he has laugh at some of my comment. I love when he laugh, it’s so new and I fear so temporary that I try to enjoy everyone on them. I stopped drinking for half an hour now because I keep thinking more and more of how I want to touch Baz; which is not good at all. Damn him! He hates me and I’m here fantasizing. The three girls are now talking of French philosophers so I go up for some fresh air on the balcony. Except 2 minutes later Baz comes to the said balcony and light a cigarette. And I feel like there’s no air left in the whole universe.

 

At first he says nothing so I just look at his fingers, and his cigarette going in his mouth. After a minute he speaks.

 

‘- _Look, Snow, I didn’t want to be rude back at the club. I was surprise that’s all._

 _-Were you nervous Baz_? I don’t know how I found it in me to be that sassy right now.

- _I guess I was yes_. He answers smiling but not looking at me. He looks straight into the night. I hear the girls singing to Come On Eileen inside and I think maybe of joining them to escape the silence that surely will follow between Baz and I but he continues talking.

- _So you met my girlfriend_. I laugh. _What do you think?_

_-She’s too good for you mate._

_-That I know_.

- _I have to go see Mage on Monday._ I say quickly, without thinking

 _-What for_? He asks, a little bit on edge. I know he hates Mage, maybe even more than he hates me and I was afraid to tell him of the meeting.

- _He summoned me._ Well I can always try to light the mood now.

 _-I see_. He says with a sneer. I hate it; I want the small smile back. _What are you going to tell him?_

_-Nothing. That I have no lead._

_-Won’t he be mad? The prodigal almost-son with no lead after a month?_ I roll my eyes but say nothing. I know he’s stressed and it’s his mother case I can’t act like a child right now.

 _-Believe me he is used to being disappointed in me._ He stares me in the eyes now; his gaze is confused but kind of tender? I look at him and smile a little. After a moment I know he doesn’t know what to say so I speak.

- _I know you think I’m his pet but really I’m afraid of him. He is one more person to be disappointed in me and frankly after the years it’s getting harder to just live like everything I do is not good enough. I know I shouldn’t be studying here; I don’t belong here with people like you, and Penny and Agatha… But I am here, and I try my best even if it’s not enough. I just hoped that some day he will just let me be but he keeps pressuring me… Sorry I’ll stop talking now._

He is still looking at me and there’s anger in his eyes and I think “great I made him hate me more with my self-pity”. Except he throw his cigarette over the balcony and hug me. Baz actually hug me. He puts his arms around my shoulders and comes closer to me. His head parallel to mine. I stop breathing for seconds that feel like hours but when I breathe again I smell him. Instinctively I put my arms around his waist and burry my head in his neck. Which is really, really, bad but he says nothing against it so I stay there.

 

BAZ

 

I really thought that I could not hate Mage more than I did but I was wrong. I feel like I am wrong about everything since I started working with Simon. Apparently I was also wrong to think that I if I ever touch him he would punch me. I acted on an impulse, I couldn’t stand seeing him hurting like that so I just went and hug him. Way to go Basilton, way to hide your feelings, you’re doing a great job sweetie.

 

And now he has his arms around my waist and his nose on my carotid, he must feel how my heart is ponding. I can’t hear anything except my heart and my breathing. The thing is I don’t know if I will be able to let go of him now, I don’t know how. It’s not going to be a problem because suddenly Simon’s phone vibrates in his jeans’ pocket and he let go to answer it. So yeah I was close enough to Simon Snow to actually feel his phone vibrate in his pocket, I feel myself reddening. I’m so focus on that fact that I don’t listen to Simon talking on the phone but I wonder who would call him at 3 in the morning. I try with all I have not to wonder about that. When he’s finish he says something about having to go to sleep and of course I know it’s not true, he might be going to bed but I’m sure as hell that he won’t be alone in it. I don’t answer because I don’t trust my voice and after a moment he leaves saying a small goodnight.

 

When I go back to Leo’s living room everyone else has left. Leo greets me with a smile and a hug.

 

‘ _So how was you night? You do no talk when you’re around that boy. I have never seen you like this Baz._

 _-What the fuck was tonight Leo_? I ask angrily, I’m not angry with her but I can’t control it.

- _What is wrong with you my god you are such a pain in the ass! You were just hugging the fucking love of your life thanks to me and you’re angry with me right now?_

_-You saw that?_

_-Not the point Baz!_

_-I’m sorry I’m not angry with you but why did you do that? You know I can never be with him and it-it’s shite._

_-Except no I don’t know that. I know you believe that which is not the same. Why are you so pissed?_

_-He got a call and just left. I’m sure it wasn’t his mummy telling him to go to sleep. It was a booty call Leo_! I’m yelling now, nice, smooth.

- _Man that guy must be wild, going to a booty call with his two best friends._

_-What?_

_-Well he left with Penny and Agatha, why would he if he was going to fuck someone?_

_-I don’t know._

_-Yeah well maybe you just always think the worst eh_?

_-Fuck._

- _Look Baz I’m sorry. I talked with Agatha and she told me that Simon does not hate you and sincerely tonight he was always looking at you and trying to impress you._

_-Yeah because he wants me to help him have a good grade on his cold case._

_-For fuck sake Baz I can’t do that anymore. You will always find a way to think the opposite of what’s really happening. I’m going to sleep_.’

 

With that she leaves to her room. So I just go home, walking slowly in the campus small streets, trying to focus on the memory of the hug instead of the one when he left me alone on the balcony.


	17. Chapter 17. WeAreTheYouth – Electric Youth

SIMON

 

I wake up in the middle of the afternoon. What a fucking night. First I was dancing like crazy in a Club, then I was talking and HUGING fucking Baz on a balcony. Finally I had to go to the hospital because Penny’s brother was having an episode. Premal was in the army, he went on missions when he was very young and came back with some deep PTSD. The Bunce family is like my own for many years now. They know they should call me first when something like that happened because I know how to bring it up to Penny without her going crazy anxious. I told Baz I had to go to bed because really how do you even explain that to the guy that hates you but was hugging you? I go up, take a quick shower and start baking waffles. It’s Penny’s favourite and I hope she will wake up happier if it’s to the smell of comfort food. She appears in the kitchen and hugs me from behind for a long time. When she let go and sits at the table I take the time to check my phone for the 1st time since I woke up. 

From HAHAgatha:

I’m home and okay.

I’m awake… coffee is life.

How’s Pen? How are you?

Love you both.

 

From Baz:

_Snow I think I found where my mother stayed the weekend before her murder._

_SNOW?_

_I know you had a probably exhausting but amazing night but this is important._

_Well I’m booking my room for next weekend. You don’t have to come_.

 

I roll my eyes. I’ll deal with him later. I’m happy he found the cabin in the wood; I’m also not looking forward to be alone with him all weekend.

We eat waffles watching Crack Vid on YouTube. After that we go to see Penny’s parents for dinner. It’s good to be around everyone, we listen to music and play videogames with the younger siblings. It’s quiet, I love it. Just before we start eating I remember Baz’s text and answer.

 

To Baz.

 **Hi Baz. Sorry for not answering quicker. I did have a rough night; Penny and I had to go to the hospital for family matters. I’m glad you found the cabin! Could you send me the info so I book a room too? Because of course I’m going with you**.

 _I already booked yours so don’t worry about it_.

**Great! Cheers! Do you wanna meet this week to work on how we’re gonna do this?**

_Yes of course. Wednesday_?

**It’s a date!**

 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Seriously, I can’t stand myself sometime. Of course he will not think I mean it as a date _date_ but still what an idiot I am. No wonder it’s so easy for him to make fun of me. Really.

 

**Well hehe you know what I mean :)**

 

I hate myself.

 

 _I do know what you mean. Can we meet at your place? I think we need the white board_.

 **Yeah sure. See you on Wed then**!

 

BAZ

I’ve been saying “fuck” inside my head for an hour now. It’s not like Leo hasn’t told me, literally, that he left with his two best friends and thus was surely not going to a wild sex night. Except I couldn’t stop thinking about it, jealousy was driving me crazy so I had to make a stupid comment by text to make him react. I waited all day for him to answer, to tell me “yes Baz I fucked beautiful girls and boys last night, none of them were anything like you, it was amazing!” Except now he has answered and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Or was it? I don’t know how to think, that boy breaks my brain every time he talks, or walk, or is generally in my thoughts. Now that I stopped saying, “fuck” all I want to do is ask if he is all right, and what was the family matter. Since he doesn’t have any family I guess it’s Bunce’s family. He did have to go in the middle of the night so it must have been bad. I feel so stupid now… At least he still wants to work with me. I don’t understand him, how can he be so forgiving with me? Is it really all for his grade? Deep down I think I know it’s bullshit. He genuinely wants to help me, from the goodness of his heart. I so wish I could really believe it was for the grade and hate him for it.

 

***

 

It’s Monday night and I just remembered that today Simon was seeing Mage so I text him. I try to focus on my episode of Hannibal (it’s like the 4th time I’m watching it so really it doesn’t matter that I absolutely can’t) while I wait for him to answer. I keep checking my phone. When I finally give in and enjoy the show I see the screen light up.

 

From Simon:

**Well… it didn’t go how I was excepted it to go**

_Why? Did you tell him anything?_

 

I type too quickly, without thinking.

 

**No of course not for fuck sake Baz will you trust me at some point? I told you I wasn’t going to.**

 

He is right and I don’t know how to answer that but he keeps texting. 

 

**I actually found out that he didn’t know I had you mother case! The teachers did not consult him because he was busy working abroad at the time they made the decision. He just knew it was a good one because Penny’s mother told him so.**

_So he did not choose the case for you?_

**No… I didn’t think so anyways, did you?**

_Well yes. To be honest I though he gave it to you so you’ll prove me that it was an accident_ **.**

**But why would he do that?**

_So I can convince my family he is not my mother’s murderer_ **.**

**That’s kind of a far-gone theory Baz… and obviously it was bullshit since he did not know. I talked to Mitali and she told me it was a collegial decision or whatever so I guess it’s just fate.**

**Or random. However you want to see it.**

_That is weird. Don’t you think? That they would give this case the year I am graduating? And to my Tuitum._

**Idk Baz… maybe it’s just a coincidence.**

_Come on now Simon Snow, what do we say about coincidence?_

**THE UNIVERSE IS RARELY SO LAZY**

 

I am fully laughing now. Like an idiot, smiling at my phone screen, in the dark of the room. I feel lightness in me like something has just been lift up from my chest. Simon Snow was not to a pawn in Mage game on this one. He was helping _me_ and said maybe it was fate.

 

_So how did he react? Why did he “summon you”?_

**Well he checked on what case I was working and saw it was you mother so he wanted me to explain (please read with a Dalek voice). It was kind of an interrogation, as if I had asked to have the case, or made it happened somehow. Nothing new since I always feel that whatever happens it IS my fault. I told him I didn’t know why I was here, that I was behind on my work and should go back to it.**

_Snow._

_I want to say something to you_.

**Okay…**

_I always thought Mage treated you like his son but I can see now that he is not. And idk I’m sorry._

**Well doesn’t he? I mean I’m still the only one being asked to his office to hear how a disappointment I am. Kind of like a son you’re sorry you had. ALSO why are you sorry for? Is that why you hate me so much?**

_I don’t hate you Snow_ **.**

**SHOULD I CALL AN IMBULANCE I THINK YOU’RE NOT FEELING WELL**

_Shut it Snow_ **.**

**Is that why you hated* me?**

_No._

_Yes._

**Well in any case I’m glad that now you know that I’m not like Mage’s son. I’ll never be. I’m an orphan with Daddy’s issue** **J**

I stare at my phone for long minutes contemplating the fact that I’m having a conversation with Simon Snow, and we’re not yelling, and it’s not frustrating, it’s calm, warm, intimate. I close my eyes, thinking of his smiles, kind and boring blue eyes, of his arms around my waist and finally find the courage to ask.

 

_So do YOU hate me then?_

 

I put my phone immediately off line. I know that if I don’t like the answer I won’t sleep and I really want to sleep, I need to sleep. In the morning when I turn my phone on he has answered:

 

 **I thought you would have figure out by now that I really don’t. I guess you’re not that clever Basilton**.


	18. Chapter 18. There is a light that never goes out – The Smith

SIMON

 

I’m waiting for Baz in front of my building on Friday afternoon. I feel so anxious I’m thinking of going to bed right now and tell him I’m sick. But I can’t go back. I need to investigate and I don’t want to disappoint him? Olivia was smoking when I arrived to the door, which is good because I don’t have to wait alone like a prick. We are talking about Kendrick Lamar last video, it’s good to talk about something that is not school. Penny and Agatha are so focus on their dissertation it’s hard to talk about something else.

 

I see Baz walking to me and I smile, as he approaches I realise he looks pissed off. That’s just my luck; I’m about to spend the weekend with the angry Baz that bloody hates me. I mean he told me he didn’t hate me but I’m still not really sure about that, he could be lying so it’s easier to work with me.

 

‘ _Hi Baz_!’ I say, smiling, hopping to get him in a better mood

‘ _Let’s go Snow’_ he answer sharply, not even looking at Liv once, she arch an eyebrow and go inside with a little smile.

 

I follow him to his car, which is an amazing car, the most fancy car I have ever been in. He takes my bag to put it himself in the trunk, I’m sure he’s afraid I’m going to mess his precious car with my clumsiness.

 

We spend half an hour in silence. I keep trying to figure out what I could have done wrong this time. He left with a smile on Wednesday night, he even put his hand on my shoulder as he said goodbye. Eventually I can’t stand the silence anymore.

 

 _Can we put some music at least_? I ask

- _What do you mean “at least”?_

_-Well you’re not talking to me so I guess it’s either silence or the radio._

_-You are not talking to me either Snow_.

I roll my eyes and see him smile a little. Maybe it’s true that I haven’t try to talk to him either, I just assumed he was mad, maybe he was just uncomfortable because he doesn’t know Liv. I would have been in his place but I didn’t think that the amazing Baz Grimm-Pitch could feel embarrassed by anything or anyone.

- _We can still listen to music AND talk_.’ I say pressing the on button of the radio.

 

It’s on some classic music station; I listen calmly looking out at the window, miles and miles of open field. After a couple of minutes he produces an Ipod and hand it to me. I am so nervous to look through it, it’s so intimate… I unlock it and press shuffle as quickly as I can. I put it in the space between us so he can reach for it if he wants to. Of course, like for everything he does, his taste in music is bloody perfect. He hums to some of the songs. I indulge myself and take time to look at him while he’s busy looking at the road and following the indications. He has pushed the sleeves of his Watford Football Team sweater up to his elbow and I can see his whole forearms. They are amazingly muscular and thin. His long fingers are even whiter with the evening light. He opens the window and asks me if I don’t mind if he smokes, which I don’t because it’s so sexy when he smokes (which shouldn’t be but it is). Also what is wrong with me seriously, last month I couldn’t stand to see him and now I found him sexy? Anyway he lights his cigarette when the Smith start playing and I can’t help myself, I love this song too much not to sing.

 

‘Take me ouuuuut tonight’ I start, trying to have the most deep and grave voice. He instantly looks at me with a surprise yet amused look. I think his cheeks are a bit red, am I capable of making Baz blush? I continue singing. When the song reach the first ‘And if a double-decker bus crashes into us’ he starts singing with me. It’s amazing, at the end of the song I sing the repeat of ‘there is a light that never goes out’ and he does the background music. We are laughing really hard at the end of the song and look at each other. I feel so much better now, I feel light and warm, I think I feel happy. We sing together all of the songs for the rest of the trip.

 

BAZ

 

When we arrive at the hotel I am disappointed that the road trip has to end. It was really nice to hear Simon laugh and sing and I think he was looking at me at some point. I know this weekend is dangerous because we are alone and far away from everything and everyone we know. I might forget that I can never have Simon Snow and he might have cabin fever, loose his mind and feel so weak that he would consider kissing me. It’s been a week since our conversation, a week since we both told we didn’t hate the other, and that I realised that maybe Snow wasn’t a problem for my family. Except I’m sure my father wouldn’t care that Simon doesn’t really obey to Mage and that he has nothing to do with how bad he is.

 

But even if I _could_ have him why would he want me? I have been nothing but a fucking dick with him from the start and without any apparent cause. Also Simon Snow could have anyone he wants, girl or boy, why would he want to be with some skinny white ass like me? Who can’t even be civil when he is talking to anyone but his best friend? Gosh I was acting like such a brat when I picked him up. But really I can’t help being mad when I see him talking and laughing with some pretty girl. He deserves so much better than me, I know that, but I can’t seem to accept that, deep down.

 

We have supper at the hotel restaurant and he keeps asking me question about what I like and what I do, he so curious and I want to give him everything but I’m also ashamed, I don’t know why. It’s like he asks ‘ _So what series do you like_?’ and my mind goes blank and everything I think of I’m afraid to say because he will laugh at me so I just say _‘I don’t know’_ which is a lie and so, so lame. But he keeps asking questions and smiling and eventually I talk and he looks at me with big bright eyes and suddenly we’re talking about queer bating for 2 hours.

 

***

 

In the morning I’m feeling sick with anticipation. We are going to see a woman that apparently knew my mother and who lives 15 minutes form the cabin. She probably knows why my mother came here, it’s a big step in the investigation, it’s huge step in my life, my grieving. Every thoughts of the case stop when I enter the dining room to meet Simon for breakfast. He’s sitting at a table, waiting for me (he hasn’t touch his breakfast and I know how much he likes to eat now). He his hugging one of his leg and rests his head on his knee. He is looking boringly at his phone but most importantly he is wearing glasses. He his so beautiful I could die on the spot. I might have, I don’t know anything anymore. When he looks up at me and smiles I know I’m still alive because my heart is pounding like crazy. I sit slowly in the chair in front of him and some waitress asks me what I want for breakfast, I don’t know how I answer her but Simon looks amused.

 

‘ _Did you sleep well?_ ’ he asks

- _Hum… y-yes_. I bloody stutter. What a moron I am. Get a grip Basilton. _What about you_?

- _Not really… Don’t laugh_ , he tries to look at me with a mean stare but still smiling, _but I heard some strange noises, and I don’t know, it reminded me of fear… well I don’t know but I was kind of afraid_.

- _Reminded you of fear? What do you mean?_

 _-I don’t know but it was more like a memory than a fear that something was outside making the noises? Sorry that doesn’t make sense. Anyways_ …

- _Why are you wearing glasses_? Wow so smooth…

- _I have them for screens or when I’m tired._

_-I never saw you with them._

_-Well I didn’t want you to make fun of me for being so weak I needed glasses or something_. Fuck I want to apologise to him for the rest of our life now, it’s hard to be a dick when you stop and realise you hurt the one you care the most about. But of course I don’t say anything about being sorry, that would be weird.

- _Well you are weak for needing them but I won’t laugh promise_. I say with a smile. _And they actually look good on you so_ … What am I doing? Am I flirting with Simon Snow?

- _Thanks Baz_! He answers, his cheeks red, am I capable to make Simon Snow blush? I mean not be red with anger but blush from something nice I say.

 

We eat breakfast talking about food; our favourite places to eat in Watford, Simon talks about learning how to cook with some canteen lady in the home he spend the most time as a teenage boy. I realise how I love seeing him talk about something he really knows about, I love his confidence, he is more eloquent that I ever seen him. But I guess I did that to myself, insulting him all those years. I made myself miss so much of Simon Snow and I still fell in love with him. So where am I now that I love him more and more every second that we talk?


	19. Chapter 19. Crazy for you – Best Coast

SIMON

 

We have an appointment with some woman who said to Baz she knew his mother. She lives in a small cottage in the woods about 15 minutes from our hotel. But it’s really sunny today so we decided to walk there. We walk for an hour in the wood, mostly in silence but we walk together. I realise it’s the first time we walk together (really walk like not cross the street to go to the car or the coffee shop). We are side by side, walking at the exact same pace and I feel the quiet and peace getting to me so I smile a little. Sometime Baz talks, a low voice that I shouldn’t find that sexy but I do. He talks of some bird, or tree he recognizes and I can’t find it in me to hate him for being so bloody clever. That’s new, a couple of months ago I would have hated that he can talk about nature so well and find him to be an insufferable know-it-all. But today I just want to hold his hand and listen to him all day. At some point I smile at him to encourage him to continue to speak and his cheeks are kind of pink, but that may be the cold.

 

Eventually we arrive at the woman house. It’s a small but beautiful cottage, with lots of flowers and green. I can see some goats on the back and wish I could go and pet them but I know we’re here on business. It’s really warm inside and the woman, Ebb, is really nice. She offers tea and freshly baked scones so I’m delighted, and eating. Baz sits on the edge of his chair and doesn’t touch his tea or scones. I might eat his as well after a moment. He asks Ebb how she knew his mother and does she know why she came to the cabin. He does not waste any time chatting; he is usually charming (except with me of course) so he must be really anxious.

 

‘ _I met Natasha when we were studying together she was so nice. I was kind of lost at the time; my brother had a really bad influence on me… Anyway you don’t really care about that but yes I met your mother when I was 18 and she has helped me until the day she passed away. This cottage is actually your mother’s, she gave it to me in her will, I was already living here since we graduated._

 _-My mother owned this place_? Baz ask, looking around like he just realises he’s inside a house.

- _Yes, she actually owned the whole forest, all the cabins and the hotel as well. But you must know that_.

- _I really don’t! My father never talked about this place. I-I didn’t know it exist before I look in my mother second agenda…_

- _Really?_ She answer really surprised now. _But… I mean I don’t know if I should tell you that but I guess you’re an adult now so…_

 _-Just tell me_. Baz cuts her and I feel like he’s about to burst in flames so without thinking I put my hand on his forearm. He doesn’t look at me but clam a little.

- _Sure sure. Well I was there when they opened the will, since I was one of the beneficiaries and, well, she gave the rest of the forest and all properties to you specifically…_

 _-WHAT?_ Baz is almost yelling now, I never saw him lost his temper like that; he jumps up from his seat and I follow his movement, my hand still on his arm. He looks at me with so much confusion I want to hug him. But I only push a little on his arm so we sit back down.

- _I-I am so sorry you didn’t know Basilton… really. You should talk to your father about it; I mean it is your right to at least know about this place. Your mother loved it so much._

 _-Do you know why she came the weekend before her murder_? He seems to have regained all composure but still talks quickly. Ebb frowns a little at the word “murder” but says nothing about it.

- _I did not see her that weekend. But I am pretty sure she was at the cabin with Lucy._

_-Who’s Lucy?_

_-Oh she was one of our friends… Her and your mother were very close but your father and Lucy’s boyfriend did not approve of their friendship of something like that. They would usually hide when they saw each other. That was a really dark time for all of us. I never really understood what was going on between all of them. It was all secrets all the time…_

_-So you don’t know why they couldn’t see each other freely_? I ask because Baz seems deep in his thoughts.

_-No I’m sorry… All I know is that they spent a lot of weekends in the cabin and people from around here were really not happy about it. It hurts Natasha a lot._

_-Why- Why were they not happy?_ I ask, looks like Baz has lost the ability to talk.

_-Well you know… two women locked in a cabin all weekend…_

_-What do you mean?_

_-I mean people are bloody homophobic. I want to be clear I don’t know everything about this story but I know that they both loved their men really much. I thought maybe too much sometimes. But Natasha was always angry that people would think she was hiding that and’_

Baz has jumped again from his seat but he has runaway so fast I haven’t had the time to register what just happened. I apologise to Ebb and run after him.

 

BAZ

 

It is too much for me. It is just too much. I can’t breath, I can’t think, I just run. I hear Simon calling my name but I can’t face him right now. I just want to run in the forest until my body dies. In _my_ forest apparently. How can my father do that to me? Hide from me that my mum left something so beautiful to me, specifically to _me_. I never even knew there was a will. Is it normal to have a will when you’re so young? As she somehow knew she was in danger? Ebb talks about her as if she was afraid, hiding in the forest to see that Lucy? Afraid of my father? No it couldn’t be. My body can’t run anymore and think so fast at the same time so I just land on the ground and sit, resting my back to a tree trunk. I know Simon will find me and I hate it, I hate him for being here and seeing me so weak. I’m wondering if my mum was gay… no she loved my father. Even that woman said so. But then why care so much about what people think? Probably the proud name of Pitch… She didn’t want people to think… No but then does this mean that she was disgust at the idea of people associating the name Pitch with homosexuality? Would she hate me for it if she were alive? When Simon kneels in front of me I’m pretty sure I’m crying. I hate myself so much.

 

‘ _Hey- hey Baz it’s okay_ … he says, his voice so sweet. He has both his hands on my knees and I feel his warmth burn my skin through my jeans.

- _It’s really not_. I answer with a voice so small I’m not sure he can hear me.

- _I only mean it’s okay to cry, and not be okay_. He smiles. _Are you crying because of this place? And not knowing it was yours?_

_-Yes. No. I am crying because I’m fucking weak. I should die._

_-What the fuck Baz! No! Do not talk like that for fuck sake._

_-And why should I live, you clever boy?_

_-Well first because we haven’t solved your mother’s murder_ … He said murder, it’s the first time, he must really pity me right now. _And also there are a lot of people who love you and need you, so please don’t talk like that_.

- _No one needs me, you imbecile._

 _-I know some French girl who would disagree_.

 

He smiles again and his smile is so bright, so warm, it’s like I can feel the sun on my skin and fuck him he is convincing me to go on, to carry on, just with his smile, just to see him again, and again for ever. I could kiss him right now. I mean his face is so close I don’t think he realises how close we are. I could just kiss him and run away again and never go back to school and just hide in a room until I die. I’m thinking I could kiss him; I want to kiss him.

 

- _Simon'_. I say looking in his blue eyes.

 

And then _he_ kisses _me_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not worry Natasha and Lucy were NOT together ! And Natasha was NOT an homophobe!! I just wanted something for Baz to freak about... But everything will be fine in the end I promise :) 
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading <3 <3


	20. Chapter 20. Devil’s spoke – Laura Marling

SIMON

I am kissing Baz.

I actually am kissing Baz. I don’t know exactly how it happened but I’m kissing the guy that hates since day one. And that I kind of hated too.

I mean it’s not my fault if he is so utterly beautiful! And he was talking such nonsense and I am so useless with words that I did what I felt like doing. I kissed him. Without thinking, because I rarely do. At least he stopped talking about dying so I guess that’s that.

Also the kissing is unbelievable so… I mean he almost immediately answered to my kiss and he is grabbing my hair, and my shirt and it feels amazing. I think I have never been kissed so intensely before. But I’m not surprised because everything is bloody intense with Baz. Looking at him, talking to him, singing with him, hating him, working with him, and now kissing with him. _Oh_. I try really hard not to think of other things that would be intense with him. I don’t want to assume he will want to do more than that. It’s an emotional day for him and he might just let me kiss him to let go of today, to numb his pain or whatever.

All my thoughts die when our tongs meet and I fucking moan. Why am I like this? It’s like I am incapable of talking or express my feelings most of the time and now I can’t stop making sounds…

I kneel between his legs and straighten my back so I’m taller than him. And it feels so amazing, being on top of him for once (because he is taller than me, when we are standing). I put one of my hands on the tree trunk behind him for support and put my other hand on his nape, fingers slowly digging in his hair. I want to kiss him forever but I can feel the air around us getting cooler (might be because my body is so hot right now). I don’t even know what time it is and how long we’ve been kissing in the woods, like that. I pull back and sit in front of him, my butt on my heels. He looks so wild and beautiful, his hair messy and his lips red. He says nothing so I talk:

‘ _I think we should get back to the hotel_. I croak and he raises an eyebrow. _To eat or something…_ ’

I feel so shy for a moment but he answers a small ‘ _okay_ ’ and I get up, pulling out my hand for him, he takes it and it is so so warm that I don’t want to let it go but I do because that would be weird. Holding hands with Baz, I was amazed just to walk with him a couple of hours ago. We walk quickly and in silence, but it’s heavy and I try to think of something to say. My mind is blank and anyway I would probably say something stupid so I better shut up. When we arrive to the hotel I think of checking the time (what a moron seriously I had a watch all this time). It’s 7:30, and I feel like eating will give us something to do. Also Baz hasn’t eaten a dozen scones this afternoon.

‘ _So do you want to go eat something?_

_-Seriously Snow you can only think with your stomach._

_-I actually think with a lot of things Tyrannus_. Wow so smooth Simon. But he chuckles, thanks Merlin.

- _Okay let’s eat_.’

 

BAZ

I wish I knew what was going on. With me, with Simon, with the earth and all the starts and planets in the sky. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

It’s a miracle I was able to walk after that kiss. Simon Snow has kissed me, and not just a little, not just lips touching quickly and then running away. He has touched my face, and my hair, and he had his fucking pupils so wide almost all the blue was hidden. I can still feel the warmth of his body against my hands while I was holding to his clothes. I feel like I’m drunk, and blind. I just kissed the sun and I’m burning. I am glad for the cool air in the late afternoon and for our walk in silence. I see him in the corner of my eyes trying to find words to say whatever he wants to say, probably saying sorry for the kiss and that we should act like it never happened. But he doesn’t, he says nothing and I’m happily still floating towards the hotel. I’m not thinking of consequences, I’m just thinking of how Simon Snow taste and how he sounds. Suddenly we’re at the hotel restaurant, eating cold soup. We reach at the same time for the pepper on the table and our hands touch. I feel my cheeks burning but dare to look at him; I catch him smiling to his soup. And then I feel his feet lightly touching mine. He is not caressing it or anything, it’s just resting by my foot, touching it. It could be just by accident but I’m not sure of anything right now. I have never eaten this fast before.

When we arrive in the corridor Simon stops between our two rooms and he is biting his bloody lips, I might just swoon but I just stay still, looking at him. After a moment I’m afraid of what I would do or say so I say a quick goodnight and go for my door. Except just when I start opening it I feel Simon’s hands turn me over and he is kissing me again and pushing me inside my room.


	21. Chapter 21. Lust for life – Lana Del Rey and the Weeknd

SIMON

 

It was okay when we were walking and I could avoid looking at him but really siting in front of him in the restaurant was too much. I kept thinking of his lips, of touching him. Kissing him. At some point my foot touched his and he didn’t move so I’m thinking fuck it, it might be the one and only time that could happen, that he might let me kiss him again. I am also bloody scared of rejection, because I know how mean he can be to me, how he knows how to choose every word carefully to hurt me the most. I almost change my mind when he goes to his room but I decide to act without thinking and just go to him and kiss him. And he answers immediately so I push him gently inside his hotel room. I don’t even bother to turn on the light I just push him to the bed. He sits on it and I continue kissing him from above, I really like this shift in dominance when I kiss him. It’s the opposite of when we’re talking. He lies a little, popped up on his elbows. I feel one of my legs finding its way between his legs, like it just moves on its own free will. I need to calm down and not ruin my most certainly only night with Basilton Grimm-Pitch. I pull out and stand in front of him.

‘ _Is-is this okay?_

I ask sheepishly. He laughs a little, like what I just said is unbelievable. I want to tell him about consent and how important it is but he answers me so I don’t.

- _It’s really okay. Would you take off your shirt please_?’

I don’t understand how he can speak so calmly when I feel like I’m more a mess than ever before in my life. His question is so sexy and so sweet at the same time. I guess I won’t have talk about consent after all. I pull off my t-shirt, and took off my shoes too because I feel stupid being shirtless but with shoes. He opens his mouth just a little and just looks at me. He sits up and one of his hands reaches for my chest. The tips of his fingers just trace a line from my neck to the hem of my jeans and I have to close my eyes because it feels so good. And then I feel his breathe close to my body and he press a small kiss on my stomach. This send electricity in my belly and I can feel I’m getting harder. When I open my eyes again he is still sitting looking up at me with eyes full of wonder (I think) but with that smirk that I know so well. I smile at him trying to tell him without words that there’s no need to be smug now, I know he wants me too.

 

‘ _Can I take off you shirt please_?’ I ask and he nods. Of course he wears a shirt with one million buttons but my hands work fast, I’m kneeling between his legs (again) so now I’m smaller but I am the perfect high to kiss his shoulder when I pull off the shirt. I trace kisses to his collarbones, and when I reach his neck he squeezes my shoulders with both hands and moans. And the sound is absolutely amazing. So I continue, pushing a little so he lies back down in the bed. I follow his move and kiss his mouth some more. I can feel our erections almost touching so I press a little there too. The feeling is amazing even with our trousers on. I stop kissing him and look at him, one arm on each side of his head. He looks kind of disappointed that I stopped the grinding so quickly. But really if he does not want me to come in my pants in 10 minutes he should be happy that I stopped.

 

‘ _Baz, can I take your trousers off_?

I ask with a low voice, I’m kind of breathless. I realise that I have never felt like this with any girl or guy, I feel like everything is perfect at this moment, I don’t feel awkward or inappropriate with all my talking.

- _Y-yes_ , Oh. He his breathless too. Good. _And would you take yours out of the way at the same time please_?’ His voice is so soft I could die.

I stand up again and he pops on one elbow to look at me. I unbuttoned my jeans and look at him looking at me, not quite in the eyes. For 5 seconds I’m afraid I’m too lucky and that something really bad is going to happen to me soon, to rebalance the universe or something. I took off my jeans and my socks and immediately reach for his. He let me do all the work, only raising his amazing ass up at some point. I have to stand again to get it off his long legs, but it’s also a good way for _me_ to look at _him._

BAZ

 

I don’t even know how I get so lucky. But maybe it’s because I had a pretty shitty day until Simon came and kiss me. Some kind of balance in the universe. But really I don’t think I will ever be this happy again in my life so maybe it’s a curse. Simon bloody Snow is standing in front of me, in his light blue underwear, and he is hard, for me. I want to laugh because I am so happy but I’m afraid he will take it the wrong way so I bite my lips. He smirks a little and I find his sudden confidence so arousing I feel myself getting harder with just the sight of it. I stop thinking about the balance of the universe, my luck and his bloody smirk when he gets close to me again and kiss the inside of my thigh. I breathe so loudly and my heart is pounding so loud that I can’t here anything but I’m pretty sure he is talking. He’s talking but only between kisses; on one thigh then the other, slowly getting higher and higher. That little fucker. I can’t stop myself form making so many sounds; it’s been so long since someone touched me like this, 3 bloody years. And now the boy I am in love is kissing my burning skin.

 

I try to focus on what he is saying but for the love of him I absolutely can’t. And I realise I don’t even care; I am usually so 1self-conscious around him but not tonight. I am still a bit ashamed of all the noise I’m making but I don’t have it in me to stop. I’m thinking of how sweet he has been with the questioning and I realise he is probably asking about my underwear. Or at least I wish he were so I just act quickly without thinking too much about it and start pulling my boxers. He gets the signal and helps with that and within a second his tong is going from the base of my cock to the head and I clap my hand on my mouth because I cannot be screaming in a hotel room, I’m just not the kind of guy that doesn’t care if people hears him having sex. Also I don’t want Simon to freak out, even if I don’t know if that would freak him out but right now I’m not really rational. He stops to ask me one more fucking time if it’s okay and I just nod, furiously but still I don’t speak.

 

Oh boy it is fucking amazing. I close my eyes and I’m pretty sure I’m seeing all the stars in the universe. He puts one of my legs on his shoulders and put out his arm around it, his other hand is on my cock and follows the movement of his head. I can’t keep my hands away from him anymore so I gently put them on his head, following his movement with my fingers in his golden curls and I feel him, more that I hear him, moaning a little at the touch. Of course without my hand on my mouth it’s harder not to make noises but I feel like hearing me makes him go faster. The world spins around me, I am about to come. Oh my… I need to tell him to stop.

 

‘ _Si-Simon…_ Nice try Basilton but that’s not a sentence. _Simon I going to come soon_.’ He continues, he is not stopping, oh my god hasn’t he heard me? ‘ _Simon stop’_ I say again, tucking a little bit at his hair. This time he stops. And I was not prepared to see that. Simon Snow looking up at me from between my naked legs, lips wet barely milimeters from my cock, eyes dark and hair even more messy. I’m about to talk when he says ‘ _Shut up Basilton_ ’ and put his mouth back on me. He needs to stop calling me Basilton; he needs to stop everything I cannot take him being so perfect all the bloody time. And now I am coming in his mouth. I am actually coming in Simon’s mouth. I’m living a charmed life.


	22. Chapter 22. Special Affair – The Internet

SIMON

 

Baz grabs me and pull me in front of him and starts kissing me like crazy. Hearing him making all those pleasure noises has got me on edge. And now his hands are everywhere and I’m making all the noises. I breathe like I just run a marathon and the sound is filling the room because Baz is no longer kissing my mouth but my neck. I feel his hands wandering close to my underwear, he murmurs a small ‘ _Can I_?’ and I answer yes too quickly and too loud but fuck it I want his hands on me. He put his hand on my cock; not even bothering taking off my boxers and it feels so amazing. His fingers around me, going up and down. He continues kissing me on the chest, the neck, my mouth and I think I’m kind of saying his name at some point and then, I come with a louder sound from my mouth and my hands squeezing him where I can. I look up at him and he is not smiling, it’s more a face like he cannot believe I am here. Maybe he just realised that it was me, Simon Snow, the guy he hates, in his bed and not some faceless sex relief. Or even worse maybe he was thinking of someone else completely. I am about to feel sick so I get up to go to the bathroom to clean a little. He just watches me going up, without a word. When I come back to the room he is asleep. I feel so empty, I am tired and sad. I knew it was never going to be something more than tonight, I knew but it still hurts that he would not even say a word to me. It hurts to think so I stop. I put the cover him and leave for my room.

 

BAZ

 

I wake up to the smell of Simon Snow all over me and I am hard, I feel like I will be horny for the rest of my life just to the memories of last night. I open my eyes and he is not here. I don’t know why exactly I thought he would be here, sleeping with me, kissing me good morning and calling me Darling. Of course he left, I don’t know when though, I must have fell asleep really quickly because I don’t remember anything. I take a cold shower. I need to face him; I have to be strong, stronger that I have ever been (which is not much clearly). Because this changes nothing, I am still in love with and he still isn’t. We had a stressful day and he just wanted to let off steam like we’re fucking pressure cookers. And of course my father still wants me to “end” him or whatever. Nothing has change. Do I keep saying that because I know that everything has changed? That I will never be able to look at him like I looked at him yesterday morning? I will forever know that I had sex with Simon Snow and it was the best night of my life. I am suddenly extremely sad, the best night of my life was a one night stand that meant nothing to the guy I’ll be forever in love. I will never have him, I always knew that but it still hurts.

 

When I go down to breakfast he is already here and he is wearing the glasses again, why, oh why? When I get closer I realise that he looks even more tired than during finals which is something, his eyes are red and he do everything he can not to look at me. Fuck. That’s even worse than before then. How stupid of me to think that it would go back to normal between us. He must hate me even more now. I’m such an idiot. Now we do everything in silence. We eat in silence; leave the hotel in silence and I drive in silence. When I can’t take it anymore I put music, he doesn’t even flitch, he just keeps looking at the window. He says a quick ‘ _goodbye_ ’ when he gets out of the car and I just nod.

 

When I arrive home I go to my bed and cry until I sleep. Only when I wake up the next day I realise that we haven’t talk at all about our conversation with Ebb and my mother’s case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry... I promise it'll get better !


	23. Chapter 23. Very first breath – Hudson Mohawke

BAZ

 

It’s been 2 weeks since the weekend I had sex with Simon Snow. I have talk endless hours with Leo, she tried to convince me to talk to Simon about it but every time I want to I just physically can’t. He has written the Monday just after to talk about the case and we have seen each almost everyday. Trying to find who Lucy is and starting to actually write his dissertation. I know I need to confront my father about the forest and Lucy and my mum but I can’t either. Wow I used to think of myself as someone brave but I guess I’m just a moron. Of course it’s even more terrible to see Simon because my lust for him as multiply now that I had a taste of it. Everything he does makes me crave him even more. And that bloody want drives me insane. It used to make me mean but now I’m just speechless, slowly dying in silence. I still might punch him and I am still not nice but it’s different.

To my defence he hasn’t tried to talk about it either! And he is quieter as well so I guess now we work in peace. When there used to be fire there is only calm water now. We sit each at the end of a table, only talking when absolutely necessary. I proofread what he wrote by using the comment section on Word but I say nothing to his face. When we are at his place Bunce looks at me with an anger I haven’t seen before. I want to yell at her that he is the one that pushed me in my room! And kissed me! And sucked my dick! And then just left! Well of course I say nothing of the sort. Leo has become really close to Penelope and Agatha during the last weeks so now I have to play even nicer to her.

I put all my energy in studying, my mother’s murder, my own dissertation and football. I practice every day, we have a big game coming and I am so glad for it because no one questions my changes in training.

On Saturday night Leo is having friends at her place and I go to distract myself. Except of fucking course Simon is here, because Bunce and Agatha are here. At first I don’t see him and I’m relieved but when I go to the balcony for a smoke he is here. Resting of the fence, head looking up at the stars, a beer in his beautiful and so skilled hands. I don’t know what to do, I just stay completely frozen debating if I should just leave the balcony, leave the party all together or stay because Leo is _my_ friend and he should be the one to leave. Of course while I’m thinking of my options he looks at me and says a small hi. I nod. I guess I only do that now. Suddenly I think of the last time we were on that balcony and I hugged him, feels like a million years ago. And now I have The Scientist in my head, fucking Coldplay. I am such an emotive fuck.

‘ _Baz_?’ Oh he is talking to me again.

 

SIMON

 

I knew when I came here tonight that he would be here. I mean I’m at his best friend’s place. I guess I wanted to see him outside the studying thing so that I _had_ to talk to him. I’ve been avoiding all talk that will not regard the dissertation, but I miss him. Of course I miss his body, I can’t stop thinking of that night and all the things we could have been doing since then, things similar and more. But I also miss the time when we were almost friends? At least friendly, we were texting and laughing and it was so nice. So yeah I know he does not want me like I want him but I think he might not hate me. Yet? Again? Who knows?

When I came back from that weekend I was broken and I couldn’t understand why. I had a lot of one-night stands, many of them didn’t want to see me again after. I mean I didn’t want to see or talk to many of them either. That’s just the game. But Baz is different; I guess he has always been different for me. So after one week of mopping, sulking, not really eating or sleeping Agatha and Pen ordered pizza and decided to _talk_ to me. Agatha told me that she always felt like I was in love with Baz and that was why I couldn’t help but obsess about how I hated him. She actually said she believed I was in _love_ with him. So I turned to Penny for help and she just looked at her shoes and said that now she was kind of agreeing, saying at least that I have a huge crush on him. So I guess now I’m processing all of this. I have at least accepted that I want to be with him. Maybe not _with_ him but I want him. I want to kiss him, make love to him, I want to have breakfast with him and smile at him, I want to be able to touch his hair whenever I want, I want so sit close to him in coffee shops, I want to dance and sing with him, I want to talk to him, I want him to tell me everything. Well yes I guess I want to be with him. So yeah I came tonight thinking that maybe we could at least talk about something, anything.

 

“ _Hi._ I say, my voice so small _. How are you_? He doesn’t answer he just stares in front of him like I’m not there. It’s a painful reminder of after I just came in his bloody hands. _Baz?_

- _Oh… hey Snow_. He answers calmly

- _You called me Simon before_. I say with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.

- _I’m pretty sure I didn’t_. Right, is this a way to tell me he wants to act like nothing happened?

- _Okay_. I said with frustration. _So how are you doing_?

- _Perfectly fine_. He pause but then speaks again. _How are you?_

- _I guess I’ve been better_. I answer

Now he looks at me with a questioning look, it’s my chance to say something but what? Please Baz let me hold you? Call me Simon again? I feel like I can’t breathe without you? Well no way.

 _I’d like to talk about the other night, if you’re okay with that_?

I feel my hands trembling and my heart going crazy.

- _What do you want to talk about?_ His voice does not have the frustration and hate that was back for the last two weeks so I guess that’s better.

- _Ok…_ I say, searching for my words

- _Use your own words Snow._ He adds, voice almost tender.

 _-Yeah so, what I really want to know, is… Why did you look at me like that after…_ I say nothing more, well he asks for my own words and they are never really explicit.

- _I don’t know what you are talking about_. He answers and I feel rage, that particular Baz related rage inside me. I want to punch him so bad.

- _Fuck you Baz! Why tell me to speak if you don’t want to answer me after? Is that a way to make fun of me? Are you so low that you would play with my feelings like that?_

I must be yelling because I see on the corner of my eyes that Penny is looking at me. The French window is closed and there is music inside but I guess best friend have a 6th sense when it comes to the other being upset.

- _Snow, calm the fuck down_. He says and put one hand on my arm, as I was about to leave, the touch is so light I almost think I’m imagining it. _I-I’ genuinely don’t know what you mean._

Ah. Great. I try to calm down and speak without screaming.

- _Well, after we… after we both came I looked at you and you were looking at me like you didn’t know who I was? Or like I wasn’t who you expected to be in the bed with you? Okay I guess I understand you just wanted to have sex and I don’t want to pressure you or whatever but you just said nothing and I guess that hurt me_.

And right now, just when I just told him what was in my heart (well kind of) he is laughing, but also looking at me with tender eyes so I don’t know how to react really.

- _Look Snow I honestly don’t remember looking at you like that. What I can tell you is that yes it was a pretty shitty day and I wanted to have sex. But I-I wanted it with you_. He says the last part whispering and looking at the sky, but focuses back on me just after. _So I don’t know why I looked at you like that but I’m sorry it hurt your feelings, really. All I remember is what we did… and then waking up_.

- _You actually don’t remember?_

_-No._

_-Well what a performance from the greatest mind I have ever encountered_.

I say the last part of my sentence making quotation marks with my fingers because he told me that about himself when we were in 1st year. And now I’m laughing too.


	24. Chapter 24. Real - Years & Years

SIMON

 

Since we talked on Leo’s balcony Baz and I are back on real speaking terms. And boy it’s even better than before now that I know that he wanted to have sex with _me_. It’s not like I have a huge ego or something it’s just that I want him to want me, and not some random guy, or his bloody ex Ian (who he has called what feels like a hundred times to have info). We sit closer at tables, we talk about all kind of things, we text and we flirt a little more and a little less carefully than before. I even have been in is flat more, I love looking at all his stuff, not in a creepy way but because it’s like discovering him all over again. For example he has his fridge covered with pictures of Leo’s and his little siblings, the few with him on it are amazing because he is full smiling. I used to think of Baz as the most neat of all human being but when it comes to books there are everywhere in every room, using the closest object as bookmarks. He also has a huge painting of the Watford campus, which is funny because he lives in the middle of it so he could just look at his window.

 

Today it’s football day in Watford. Our team is playing our sworn football enemies, Oxford. Baz has been practicing a lot, and running for hours, anyway he is always a good player so I’m not worried. I have gone to every game he has played but today feels special because it’s the first one now that I have accepted that I want to fuck him. Like really really want.

 

To Basilton: 

**ARE YOU READDDDYYYYY?**

_I am Snow, no need to scream._

**Sorry I am so excited! I even brought new trousers to be in full colours of the Watford football team.**

_You did not._

**I so did. You’ll see! Still going to the after party right?**

_Yes we are. I’m pretty sure the Girls would have us drowned if we didn’t. Leo’s crush is going to be there and Ags and Penny are her wingwomen._

**Are you sad to be left behind?**

_I was never her wingman._

**Yeah I guess I can see why.**

_Oh can you? Please elaborate on that._

**No!**

_You are infuriating._

**Shhh You love it!**

Okay maybe that was a little bit to far but I feel so energise by this day and the party tonight that I can’t seem to care. He doesn’t answer be I didn’t excepting to.

 

BAZ

 

I spot him as soon as I enter the pitch, it’s like my eyes are trained to see him. Well maybe they are, lots of practice. He is with Penny, Agatha and Leo, they are all wearing green except for Leo who’s wearing black because she would never wore the Watford colours. She will complain for 2 days that she had to come to a football game like she always does. There is a light wind and Simon’s hair is moving and it’s like I’m watching him in slow motion. I need to focus on the game now but I keep the image of Simon looking at me smiling in my heart to give me strength.

 

We won. I’m proud and also happy that the party will be a victory party and not a let’s forget party. Because I don’t want to forget tonight. I was so shocked when Simon told me about hurting his feelings that I have decided that tonight I will try to kiss him again and whatever happens I will not forget any part of it. When I arrive at the pub it’s crowded, every one wants to say hi and congratulate me but all I want is go to him. He sees me from across the room and wave shyly, I could die just seeing how cute he is. When I reach him and the girls Leo hugs me, Agatha too and Penny pats my shoulders saying I was pretty good today (which for her means I was amazing). When I turn to Simon my heart is racing, first he just puts a hand on my shoulder and squeeze a little, looking at his feet, and then he hugs me, and whispers in my ears ‘ _you were amazing’._ I feel my blood going cold and hot at the same time. Leo is talking I should focus on that.

 

‘ _Soooo how is it being a super start?_ She asks

- _I am not._

 _-Well every one is looking at you_. Penny argues.

- _Why did you change_? Simon asks me, like there weren’t a conversation going on.

- _Well I took a shower, Snow, I wasn’t going to come to a party in my football…_ Just now I remember he told me about his new trousers so I checked and yes he did bought new ones. I’m wondering where he found purple trousers but also if he has ever worn something so tight in his life. I swallow slowly and look back at his face.

- _Shame_. He says in a low voice like our best friends are not there looking at us.

- _Oh look seats_! Penny says way too cheerful. _Sisters, let’s go there. See you guys_.

 

SIMON

 

Okay so maybe Penny thinks she can be the wing woman of the year or something but she just left Baz and I alone with a pretty shitty excuse. I guess I am obvious anyways, I can’t stop looking at him and getting closer to him. It’s a shame that he didn’t stay in his football clothes because shorts and sweat are driving me kind of insane. But right now he is wearing The Jeans, the one that he had at the party months ago. And a white t-shirts under his black bomber jacket. And his hair is still wet. So really it’s not my fault if I’m lost for words, it’s his. Thankfully a lot of people come and go, saying hello and ‘ _great game’_. At some point two guys come and stay to talk a little longer, I think they are Baz’s friends because I saw them before with him. One of them extends his hand for me to shake.

 

‘- _Hi I’m Dev._

_-Simon._

_-Simon Snow?_ He asks, looking at Baz, he seems confused.

- _Yep. In the flesh._

_-I see. What’s…_

_-Dev I think Niall is dying for a drink_. Baz says suddenly, cutting Dev.

- _Yes, I do_. Agrees the one that must be Niall. He reaches for Dev’s arm and take him to the bar.

- _So what was that about?_ I ask Baz, smiling.

- _Nothing._

 _-Come on Baz tell me_. I say, touching his elbow.

- _I don’t want to think about that tonight_.’

And then he reaches for my arm and pulls me outside. We walk like that for a couple of minutes and then we turn in a small alley. There, Baz pushes me to the wall and begin kissing me. He has his hands on my hair and I immediately reach for his waist, pulling him towards me. After a minute he stops kissing me and I want to reach for him because I don’t want him to stop and have the time to think of all the reasons why he doesn’t really want to kiss me.

‘ _I’m sorry._ He says, looking in my eyes, our foreheads touching.

- _I’m not_ , I answer

- _Okay. Good. Would you… Do you want to... arrrrg fuck_

_-I honestly can’t get enough of you not finding your words._

_-Fuck off._

_-Yes. Whatever the question is, I want to. My place is closer_.’

 

I take his hand and we are almost running to my flat.


	25. Chapter 25. Rather die young – Beyoncé

LEO

 

Agatha has left the bar early because she promise her little sister she’ll spend the night with her. I’m pretty sure Baz and Simon have left too. Those guys… Penny stayed with me though; she’s making conversation with Tom. Tom is that guy from my French history class that I like. Really like. We talk a lot by text but when we’re in the same room I can’t relax so I just say nothing and do everything I can to be far away from him. I think he finds that kind of offending, but who wouldn’t? He still accepted to come tonight so maybe I have a chance if I’m able to talk to him in real life once. So yeah I am really happy than Penny is here. She’s amazing and I’m kind of mad at Baz for keeping me away from this gem for so long. She’s wearing Watford colours so well I almost regret wearing black tonight. She has this amazing green dress with purple flowers. They are talking about the Queen I thing… Bloody Brits. At some point we just go for chips, we sit together in a booth sharing chips and gravy which are amazing and one of the reason I live in England. My phone vibrates loudly on the table but I ignore it to listen to one of Tom’s story about one of his trip but my phone vibrates some more. I have to check it out.

 

From Basilique 

_I am at Simon’s place._

_I am actually in his bedroom._

_Please help!_

_He’s out in Penelope’s room to get condoms._

_Leo!_

_He went to get bloody condoms._

 

‘ _OH MY GOD PENNY!_ I yell which gives me side looks from the owner _._

 _-What is it_? She asks amused. I show her my phone. She giggles. _Fucking finally_!

- _Yeah, Baz is so in love it was getting hard to look at._

_-In love??_

_-Shit. Well he told me in confidence but yeah… he’s been in love with Simon since first year!_

_-Wow. Well Agatha has the same theory about Simon. I guess I can see that now? I wasn’t convince before but now I don’t know_.’

 

My phone vibrates again.

 

From Basilique

 _Leo, qu’est-ce que je fais?_ (Leo what do I do?)

Tu lui fais tout ce que tu as toujours rêver de lui faire evidemment (You do what you always wanted to do to him, obviously)

 

BAZ

 

I am freaking out. I told myself I wasn’t going to freak out but he had to leave me alone with my thoughts. In his room… I’m sitting uncomfortably at the edge of his desk chair. I’m at the edge because it’s full of clothes. It smells so much of Simon that I could suffocate. I try to concentrate on things on the wall, postcards of places he has been, and notes from Penny saying random things like “clean your fucking room you disgusting git”. It makes me laugh, mainly that he would keep a note like that. But my mind is back on what is going to happened… Leo tells me to just do whatever I want to do with him but what if he doesn’t want to? I guess he does since he went to his roommate’s room to get bloody condoms. But what if tomorrow we’re back at being just friends? I’m not sure I can have him just on some random nights… my thoughts are stopped by him entering the room. His carrying two glasses of water, he offers me one, I take a sip and wonder where I could put it. When I found a spot I notice a picture on the wall. It’s him, with Agatha and her parents, at the swimming pool. And I recognise this swimming pool, it’s the one at the club Agatha’s and my parents go.

‘ _You-You went to the club_? I ask

- _Yeah, that was taken summer after 1 st year why?_

_-Well I didn’t see you and I go there all the time to play tennis._

_-I know._

_-You know_? I raise an eyebrow, looking away from the photo.

- _Yeah Ags told me you were going all the time, I think it was to warn me but really I wanted to go more._

 _-Why on earth, Snow_? I ask genuinely, it was the hype of our hatred, the end of 1 st year.

- _I wanted to see you in swim shorts_.

I laugh so hard it’s unlike me really.

- _What the fuck. You did not._

 _-I did. Look you were a prick but you were still a hot prick. I always wanted to know what’s underneath all those fancy suits_. He says pulling at my sleeves so I join him on his bed. I sit close to him, still laughing.

- _Stop laughing at me, please_. He says, I stop and look at him.

- _I am not laughing at you Simon, I’m laughing at myself.”_

I really don’t want to explain what I mean by that, because I mean that I’m laughing of the fact that I spent all that summer wanking while thinking about him, whishing I could see him, even from far away just to be struck by his beauty once more. And he was at the club, wanting kind of the same thing, well no because he is not in love with me but still, he wanted to see _me_. I don’t want to say any of that so I kiss him and he moans and I stop thinking about anything else. I go on his lap, straddling him and he cups my ass with his hands while kissing my neck and really I can’t help but gasp.

 

We are naked way quicker than the first time; even if we did asked if it was okay for every piece of clothing. He is on top of me, I think he quite like leading and I’m so down for it. He is kissing me deeply, our tongs going crazy with one other. At some point he pulls out, panting and I look at him and boy I am so in love I almost confess. He reaches for something on the side of his bed and I put my hand in his curls, at the back of his head, I feel so happy and almost at peace, I could actually fall asleep (I did won a football game only a couple of hours ago). Except I really don’t because when he comes back he has a little bit of lube on his fingers and he reaches for my cock. My body arches so high that our cocks touch and it’s even more overwhelming, we keep stroking each other for a little while. At some point he growls and I can feel his body trembling a little. Suddenly he sits back and looks at me. He breathing heavily, I think he is trying to calm down because he is closing his eyes and breathing slowly from his nose.

‘ _Okay Baz. T-tell me what you want, because I-I. Well. Help me there?_ ’ he says almost incoherent.

 

SIMON

 

At first he looks at me like he doesn’t understand what I mean. And then he does, because his cheeks are red. I really hope he is not freaking out or thinking I’m some sex predator asking too much…

‘ _I want you to fuck me’._ Oh. I could come just by listening to his voice saying those words. I have never been more aroused in my bloody life. I reach for more lube and I start kissing his knees and thighs while I work him open with my fingers. He is making amazing sounds. After a moment I get up and he looks at me offended but really I can’t help but notice how hot he is like that, naked, legs open for me, on my bed, his hands still clenching the sheets. I mumble ‘condoms’ and he relaxes. I put the condom on and check if he is still ready. ‘ _Are you okay_?’ I ask one more time and he nods, looking at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. His head fall back when the tip of my cock enters him and it’s a full show, looking at him like that, from his torso to his neck right up to his hair on the white sheets. I go deeper and start making all kinds of sounds. I thrust into him and he starts following my moves with his hips. I get a grip on one of his leg my other arm lifting my self up. Then my hand caress him, going from his leg to his cock, there I take it and he finally looks back at me “ _Si-mon. I-I’_ He says, out of breath, and right now I could scream his name and tell the world that I am the luckiest man alive and that I am in love with Basilton Grimm-Pitch but I say nothing and just come inside him with a high pitch sound. He comes in my hand as I collapse on him.

I stay there a little, smiling, my head on his chest, he his tracing my back with his amazing white fingers. I really could go to sleep but I get up.

‘ _Do not fall asleep. And do not think I’m leaving you I’m just going to get something to clean you_ ’ I say smiling. I put boxers short after throwing the condoms in my bin. I just realised that Penny might be back. Thankfully she is not. When I get back to the room he is drinking from the glass I brought him earlier, I can see all the red traces I made on his pale body but I can’t find it in me to be sorry. He cleans the mess on him and a little bit on the bed. He puts his underwear too and for a moment I’m afraid he is going to leave me to go home.

“ _You’re staying the night right?_ I ask, more whining than asking

- _Yeah Snow I’m bloody tired_.’

Well of course he was not going to tell me ‘Yes, love, I don’t want to sleep away from you anymore, I will stay for the rest of my life in this bed with you’, why did I expect? I don’t have the time to think if I’m offended because he puts his arms around me and kiss me good night so really I’m okay.


	26. Chapter 26. Here I am – Adam Green & Binki Shapiro

BAZ

 

I wake up to the feeling of someone stroking my hair. I open my eyes and it’s Simon Snow, smiling at me, his sunshine smile. And for a moment I think I’m dreaming because I did have that dream a million times. But then he touches my cheek and I know it’s real and I could die right now and feel like I have been the luckiest man alive despite all the shite still going on in my life.

 ‘ _Hey there_ , he says, his voice soft and still deep from sleep. _It’s still kind of early so you can go back to sleep if you want. I just wanted to let you know I’m going for a shower_. How did I live all my life without his kindness again?

- _Hi… hey can I come with you_? I must be mad, I could blame it on my still sleepy mind or the dreamlike situation but really I just think I am mad. Lost it. He is going to tell me to leave now when I could be enjoying his room a little longer. But he chuckles. Oh hope, what you do to me.

- _Yeah I’d like that_.’

 

I follow him to the bathroom, he is actually holding my hand to guide me, I feel light, and also very awake (probably by the view of Simon Snow in his underwear). He starts the shower and turns to look at me. He pushes back some of my hair behind one of my ear and kiss gently my lobe. Then he kisses my jaw and I can feel that I’m getting hard.

‘ _Is this the kind of shared shower I have in mind_?’ he says, his mouth millimetres away from my neck, his hands reaching for my hips. ‘ _I really think it is_ ’ I answer my voice almost a whisper. He looks back at me with a small smile and then he takes out his boxers and goes in the shower. I follow him and as soon as we are both under the water we are kissing, my mouth open directly and he is stroking my tong with his and I feel my knees giving up so I put a hand on the wall. His hands are everywhere, mainly on my chest and hair. He seems obsessed with my hair this morning. Everything is heightened by the fact that we are completely wet. I never though of that before, being wet with someone, but it feels amazing. And I feel bolder and bolder this morning so I ask

‘ _Can I take you in my mouth_?

- _Oh Basilton Grimm-Pitch_ , he says with such lust I stop breathing, _I really want you to but I want to see you_ … the start of his sentence was sexy and full of confidence but now it’s like he doesn’t know anymore.

- _Use your words, Snow_. I say quickly because I can’t take it anymore I need to touch him, somewhere, somehow. He takes a deep breath.

- _You are so beautiful Baz_ … he says, voice full of a tenderness I never knew possible to someone talking to me, _I want to come seeing your face if it’s okay_?

- _I-it’s okay._

 _-But I’ll hold you to the offer later, believe me_.’

He said later. HE SAID LATER. My joy of him saying that yes this will happen again is cut short by his hand on my cock. I immediately reach for his and we start stroking each other, slowly, looking into each other eyes. And all I can feel is tenderness, and I feel loved? I know I shouldn’t indulge myself in those feelings because there are just products of my imagination; I want that so much that I create a world when this is more than pure want. But I don’t want to think about that; I take my time looking at him. Because with Simon Snow it was always side glances, looking at him when he didn’t notice, and right now he _wants_ to look at me which means I can look at him too. And it’s even more amazing since I can look at him naked, pleasure on his face, pleasure that _I_ am creating. He his breathing through his mouth (but then again, when is he not?), he is making small noises even though it’s clear he is trying to be quiet. His hair is completely damp and his curls are sticking to his forehead. He his pink all over and I could get drunk on seeing his moles and freckles with his skin like that. I am engrossed in trying to map his body in my mind when he comes closer so our cocks are touching and I feel our hands getting together around our joined erections and he starts talking nonsense ‘ _Oh my god Baz you are so bloody perfect. You are so beautiful. I want all of you Baz. Just let me have you’_ I honestly don’t know what he means but I don’t care he can have me any ways he wants so I just answer: ‘ _You have me Simon. I am right here, you have me’._

SIMON

 

Okay so. Yeah I kind of lost my cool back there in the shower. I was going to play it so cool and try a subtle way to ask the one hundred questions I have for Baz. Most of them revolved around ‘so do you wanna be my boyfriend pretty please?’. Anyways I guess I’m okay for now because he is still here, currently sitting at my table, wearing my clothes, his wet hair in a bun, looking absolutely adorable. I pretended to choose randomly our clothes but really I wanted him to wear my favourite sweater, light pink with a picture of Scully rolling her eyes. I am busying myself by making a huge breakfast and he just looks at me.

 ‘ _Soooooo, what was that about with you friends yesterday_? I ask, cutting cheddar in pieces for my omelette.

- _My friends?_

_-Yeah, Dev and Niall was it?_

_-Oh, uh nothing important._

_-You kind of told me you were going to explain later_. I say smiling but inside I am freaking out.

- _Look_. He takes a deep breath. _You know how the old Watford families hate Mage right_? I nod. _My father particularly, because of Mage’s responsibility in my mother death_. I open my mouth to say something about that because really we are still not sure about it but he raises his hand for me to let him finish. _Well they hate you too_ , _so yeah my friends were really surprised to see you with me and I guess they were afraid we were fighting or whatever_.

- _Okay…_ I answer, it’s a lot to take in, I knew a lot of people hated Mage and were not fond of me for being his project or something, but hating me for that? They don’t even know me, or what I think of Mage. _Is that why you hated me_?

Because really I have to know, I know I already ask but I need to know why he was like that with me before and now, well now…

- _Yes and no. I never hated you so… no. But that’s one of the reason for my behaviour I guess_.

- _That is so fucked up. I didn’t do anything; I wasn’t even born when your mother died._

 _-I know love_.’

 

I pause. Did he just? Did he just call me _love_? I look at him and he is bright red, looking at his feet. I am grinning like an idiot. I look at my hands and realised I have cut way to much cheese, I eat one piece feeling like I’m on top of the world even though 2 minutes ago I felt like crying. He could mean nothing, it could be a mistake but really he is so good with words, and I can’t believe Baz could mistake calling me love instead of Snow. It may be false hope but it feels like my best shot, I need to try something. After a pause I continue talking.

‘ _So you didn’t want to be my friend because of what your other friends and family would think of you_? I ask, trying to hide my smile by getting a pan in a cupboard.

- _I guess_. I can hear that he answers still looking down, his voice small _._

_-And what made you change your mind? I mean, have you?_

_-I’m here, aren’t I?_

_-So you want to be my friend?_

_-Fuck Snow what’s wrong with you? I-I’m here, I have helped you, what can I do_? He is so upset he doesn’t realise that I am now standing in front of him, so he startles and finally looks at me when I speak.

- _Well, I don’t think I want to be your friend._

 _-Great._ He says, he tries to sound mean but he only looks confused _._

_-But I’m a terrible boyfriend._

_-What?_

_-I am a terrible boyfriend, I know because every time I have tried it was awful. But if you want to, if you want me_? He says nothing and still looks at me with confusion, I’m starting to panic. _Oh. Okay well – no – well- sorry- I-I- yeah so friends? Or –_

I begin to walk away when he reaches for the front of my T-shirt and pull me to him; he puts his face on my chest and mumbles something. _Sorry what?_ I ask, trying to keep my voice levelled.

He looks up and I can see his eyes are a little wet.

- _Yes_.


	27. Chapter 27 No Roots- Alice Merton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there ! I am so sorry for not updating... I have been very busy (not for nothing, I will start a PhD in September youhou!)   
> BUT also, maybe mainly, i couldn't finish my story. I have a problem with finishing books, the last few pages always take me a month to read because I don't want it to end (no i'm not throwing away the last page like the Doctor). Well anyway i think that's why i didn't want it to end really. But it's done !
> 
> I want to say i'm so sorry because i feel like it's a quick ending with everything going super fast because i don't know how to end it and it's the truth haha so yeah sorry about that ! Hope you enjoy it, your comments are always making me smiles for days, months and i guess years <3

PENNY

 

I wake up to the sound of Baz and Simon talking. It makes me smile because their voices seem really happy. And then I hear the shower and I panic, I’m really not sure I want to hear that. I put my headphones and listen to some music. I must have fall back asleep because when I wake I smell food. It always helps me get out of bed. Simon is an amazing cook. When I enter our kitchen Baz is wearing Simon’s favourite sweatshirt and they are both eating, smiling at each other like crazy. It’s so nice to see them so happy and relax. I’m about to say hello to them when there are loud bangs at our door. Simon looks at me eyes wide open and almost scared. I go open the door and Agatha comes barging in, still in her pyjamas.

 

‘ _Sorry guys to come like that but_ … she stop talking and looks at Baz. _Oh Baz you’re here that’s perfect_!

 _-What’s happening Ags?_ I ask, she looks crazy, Agatha is not the kind of woman who goes out in her pyjamas. And she was at her parent’s yesterday so, half an hour drive form our flat.

- _Well… Fuck. How do I say that… So I was talking with my aunt this morning. She’s visiting for a couple of days and well… well she was at Watford with you mum Baz and…_

 _-Get on with it_. Baz says suddenly tense.

- _Okay so I talked to her about how it was Simon’s cold case. And she wanted to know more about you Si, and stuff like that. And well she told me that Baz’s mum was inseparable with a girl named Lucy….’_

Both Baz and Simon are standing now, they are holding hands like their life depend on it. Agatha seems to freak out a bit at that and Simon feels it.

 

‘ _Calm down, Agatha. Sit down I’ll give you some tea._

_-Thanks Si but… okay I need to tell you that but please don’t freak out because we don’t know for sure okay?_

_-Okay…_

_-Well my aunt really told me all that because she was really surprised at your name, because, well because, that Lucy, she was always saying that her favourite thing in the world was snow and that if she had a boy she would call him Simon Snow Salisbury_.’

 

The world just stopped. Every one of us stops breathing and when I look at Simon his face is so pale I go to him immediately helping him sit back on his chair. After a moment Agatha resumed her talking.

 

‘- _I show her a picture of you of course and she said you looked like her… she’s on her way home now and should send me a picture of Lucy Salisbury when she gets back._

 _-She’s Lucy_. Baz says like it was supposed to mean something to us. He is looking at Simon who is still silent and looking at his cup of tea like it was going to give him all the answers of the universe.

- _That’s not all…_ _I’m so sorry Simon that I have to tell you all that like that_. She goes up and sits next to Simon, putting her hand on his arm. We are all around him now, touching him like it would help, telling him with our touch that we love him.

_Okay so of course I asked a million questions but she wouldn’t come and see you right away so. Well I don’t know why. And okay I need to say it. Davy Mage was Lucy’s boyfriend.’_

I feel Simon tensing under my touch and I see him making fist with his hands.

 

SIMON

 

I don’t really understand what is happening but I am glad that my best friends and my boyfriend are here. Agatha keeps talking and talking and I listen and understand but it’s like my brain refuses to react. That is until she tells me that fucking Mage was Lucy’s boyfriend, so maybe… maybe he is my father. I get up again from my chair and Penny is talking to me.

 

‘ _Simon, babe, are you all right?_

 _-I don’t know_ , I answer honestly.

- _We need to go see Mage now_. Baz says, I never heard that anger in his voice, or maybe I’m surprised because it’s the first time it’s not directed to me.

- _No_ , I say calmly and I feel every one looking at me. _I don’t want to see him now. We need to know who Lucy is._ I look at Baz, trying to smile.

- _Simon, we need to see Mage and ask him who she is and what happened to her!_ He insists, pulling at my hand lightly.

- _I just know that everyone was worried about their relationship and that one day she just disappeared… she didn’t have any family left so…_ Agatha is really out of breath and exhausted now. I look at her and see all of her concerned and I feel so grateful to have her in my life.

- _Thank you so much Ags…I-I don’t know what to say._

 _-Oh Simon_! She hugs me. _I understand that you don’t want to see Mage now but_ , she looks at Baz now, _my aunt did tell me that your father knew Lucy very well too… maybe you could ask him first?_

- _What?_ Baz seem suddenly to remember that it was his family who was friend with my potential mother. _Well I guess I need to see him at some point anyway. Time to be brave. Do you want to go with me Snow_?

 _-Okay…_ ’

 

We got dressed and went to Baz’s car in silence. I don’t know exactly what we except to find out by talking to Baz’s dad. I’m scared, I never met him and he hates me. But I’m less scared than if I had to face Mage so… And Baz is with me, and he keeps putting his hand on my tight every time he can. We arrived at his house and it’s magnificent. It’s huge and gothic; it’s so Baz I almost laugh. But I can’t. Since the discussion with Agatha I am unable to feel anything. Even less to show any feelings. Baz asks me for the millionth time if I’m okay and if I’m ready. We meet his father in his office; it’s all in wood with a huge desk that looks completely empty except for his computer. He is already standing when we enter and doesn’t look at me; he talks slowly and with a kind of mocking tone that I recognise from Baz.

 

‘ _Son what is this?_

_-Father, this is Simon I don’t think you have met him._

_-Answer my question my boy._

_-We’re here about Lucy Salisbury_. This makes him blink and stop for a couple of seconds.

- _How do you know that name?_

_-Do you know that name?_

_-Yes but that is none of your business._

_-Oh I think it is. It’s Simon’s business and it is also my business father. Or would you rather want to talk about mother’s will?_

_-What is going on here Basilton? Why do you bring Mage’s pet in hour home?_

_-Simon is not Mage’s pet. He is my boyfriend._

_-What on earth are you talking about?_

_-I’m in love with him, I have always been. But because of your secrets and schemes I have lost my 3 years of Uni hating myself and hating him_.

_-Have you lost your mind my son?_

_-No, my mind has never been clearer. Now tell me who is Lucy and what do you really know about what happened to my mother?_

At that Baz’s father sits back in his chair and I feel myself shaking. Did Baz just tell his father he loved me? For 3 years?

- _Please sit down. Both of you_.

Baz doesn’t move so I don’t either. But he takes my hand. His father looks disapprovingly at the gesture but says nothing about it.

- _Very well. Lucy was Natasha’s Tuitum. They quickly became friends, almost like family. You know how women can be… well yeah they were always together, talking without talking, that sort of things about true friendship I guess. In 3 rd year Lucy fell in love with Davy Mage. He was always a looser and was hated by you mother. He was very ambitious and Natasha suspected him to be with Lucy to get to her. They stayed friends but something was broken between them because of that relationship. I also always hated Mage but your mother insisted on being civil with him. Anyway years after Uni, when your mother became Directress of Watford, Mage became even crazier. He wanted to be better than her, but he could never of course. Finally one day Lucy disappeared and your mother was sure it was Mage’s fault. She kept asking him and tried to find her by herself. And then she died. I always knew it was him; he killed her because he wanted to hide the truth about Salisbury._

_-How come you never said anything about that, uh? Not to the police? Not to me?_

_-Our family always deals with problem by our self._

_-Yeah by asking your son to hate, and “end” some innocent guy?_

_-He is Mage bloody son!_

Fuck him he knew. He knew all along that I was not an orphan and said nothing.

 _-You are no better than Mage, father._ Baz’s voice is calm but the anger is so deep I can see the hurt on his father’s face.

_-I won’t let you talk to me like that!_

_-Oh I think you will. I think you knew what was going on between Mage and his girlfriend and did nothing to help her or her child and you disgust me.’_

With that, Baz just leaves the room and I follow him. We go to his car and he starts driving, too fast, to angry. After a couple of minutes he makes a turn and park in a small street. He is breathing heavily and I don’t know what to say or what to feel. It’s like it’s not happening really, like it’s a movie I’m watching.

 

‘ _Simon?_

He is looking at me with so much pain I want it to stop I want everything to stop and go back to this morning when we were happy and enjoying eggs on toast.

_I won’t ask again if you’re okay… I know you won’t answer, I don’t even know how you could answer. I-I am not. I’m not okay. We need to get this right and go to the police._

_-I know._ I say softly and it’s like it’s not my voice.

- _What do you want to do now?_

_-Let’s go home please.’_

He leans over to me and kisses my head. And it’s like it’s the first time I breathe in years.


	28. Chapter 27 Ivy- Franck Ocean

BAZ

 

It has been 17 days since Wellbelove came barging in Simon’s kitchen and told us about his parents. Since then we have gone to the police, wrote Simon’s dissertation, wrote my dissertation and proofread Penelope’s and Agatha’s. Simon has not seen Mage, his father, even once. He is prison right now, waiting for his trial for my mother’s murder. Police is still looking for Lucy’s, probably her body only. And _I_ haven’t seen Simon for 7 days now.

 

After what I happened I stayed 10 days non-stop with Simon but I had to go back and sort out everything with my father. I also had to go back to my forest to put things in order now that I am fully aware of the will. So yeah I have been missing him like crazy but I had to be away for a while and I guess it was also good to give him some space after all that happened. We haven’t talk about what I said to my father that day; that I was _in love_ with Simon. I mean I know he is not in love with me, and I know it must be really weird to him. I have done nothing except reject him for almost 3 years, more than reject him; I have been awful with him. I will never forgive myself for that and I don’t even know why he wants to be my boyfriend after that.

 

So yeah right now I am freaking out. I am at my flat getting ready to see him again, in an hour I will be at his flat. At least it’s for an ‘end of the year’ party so I won’t have to be alone with him in an awkward silence while he explain to me how he changed his mind and could actually never be with someone like me. Well I’m still invited to come so it’s not so bad? I wish Leo were here and not back in France enjoying the sunshine by her swimming pool. I have to get a grip. I don’t know why I am this anxious it’s not like I haven’t talk to him in 7 days, we texted everyday, and called, and even masturbated together on the phone once. So really I should just go there take him in my arms and kiss him like the crazy in love guy I am. But I know I won’t. I’m getting desperate about how incurable I am. I almost not go, pretend I don’t feel well, but I’m too afraid he will just say “k” and don’t bother about me and meet cute people tonight. Let’s not dwell on that and just go.

 

When I arrive a stop at the door, listening to the music and voices coming through the door. I take deep breath and come in. The room is full of people talking and laughing. I spot Penny talking to a huge guy, she is wearing a tight dress and look amazing, I’m sorry for the poor guy because I know she is deeply in love with her boyfriend and this guy has no chance. I try to look _discreetly_ for Simon, I still have pride. Well at least when there are other people around. I finally see him across the room, a huge beer in his hand. I know I’m lame but he just takes my breath away. He is so beautiful, he must have been dancing because he is a little sweaty and his curls are stuck to his forehead. He is full smiling at me, his eyes so alive. He is wearing a black t-shirt with some kind of drawing on it and dark blue jeans and no shoes, I have never seen him wearing shoes inside his house. I take a step forward to him and I see him reach for his phone inside his pocket. What the fuck is he doing? Is he going to ignore me now? Pretend to text or something? But then the music change suddenly and it’s Frank Ocean. Simon attention is back on me and as soon as the music starts he is mouthing the song, looking at me right in the eyes

 

‘I thought that I was dreaming when you said you love me  
The start of nothing  
I had no chance to prepare  
I couldn't see you coming’

 

I stop and cannot help but smile. He is singing Frank Ocean to me, and also acknowledging the fact that I said I loved him. He doesn’t say the part when he could hate me now. I’m transfixed, I can’t move I can only watch him and grin. It’s only when he touches my face whilst saying ‘If you could see my thoughts you would see our faces’ that I realise he has come to me.

 

SIMON

 

I touch Baz’s face and he seems to realise I’m here.

 

‘ _Hey…_ he says softly, pressing his face in my hand.

- _I missed you so much_ , I answer because I can’t help myself. _I suddenly regret having this party tonight. I want everyone to be out so I can greet you properly. Alone. Without clothes_.’

 

He chuckles and I swear I could die. I don’t think I can ever be over the joy and love I have when I see him smile, after so many years of sneers. So I tell him.

 _‘I love your smile… I love you Basilton_.’

 

He looks at me right in the eyes, and for a moment I see pain.

‘ _You don’t have to say that to make me feel better Snow._

_-What? Baz are you insane? Do you think I would do that?_

_-Fuck… I don’t know. You want to make everyone happy all the time._

_-I do want to make you happy you halfwit, because I love you._

_-Yeah okay._

_-Did I ever lie to you Baz?_

_-I guess not._

_-Soooooo_

_-So yeah okay_ ’ he says finally with a smile and I kiss him, I want to show him how much I love him, to prove my point. I hear Penny cheering like crazy and a couple of other friends clapping. I tug at his bun and his hair falls perfectly around his face, after a few more minutes of staring at each other pretending there is no one around we go back to our friends and spend the night laughing, dancing, singing and holding hands.


End file.
